WHO IS MY NEIGHBOR?

This has not been a very good technology week for me. I have concluded that a very unique paradigm shift has occurred. My mom literally freaked out this week because her Internet service was down. Of course, she didn't blame me for this disruption. But her frustration with how long service restoration was taking made me feel really guilty, like I wasn't hounding the tech support guys enough. Then, my Palm dies on me. I live and die by my PDA and now feel so, umm, vulnerable, with it not functioning. I still carry it around, but it now it's not more than just a paper weight that I treat like a security blanket. When did everyone, including my Luddite mother, become so dependent on technology?

I'm in the middle of a 6 week "final trial period" that was suggested by the counselor. Instead of having zero contact with Katherine, the idea, now, is to schedule "dates", intentional one-on-one meetings meant to allow for dialogue, specifically about our future together. It is important to approach this with an open heart, to leave behind any biases or prejudices that may have already been inventoried. At the end, we must acknowledge that God has provided guidance. If these unhindered interactions lead to the mutual feeling that this marriage has a chance to be preserved, then it is clear that it should be worked on. If not, it is then mutually agreed that it should end. I believe that mutual arrival is what would be pleasing to Him, mitigating the emotional collateral damage usually found in more common marital dissolutions. The conversations have thus far been good, albeit shallow. We've talked without being harshly critical or hostile; I can say that she's actually been pleasant towards me. Is this enough to support preserving the marriage? I believe the criteria to go by is "iron sharpening iron". Will the person that I invest my (borrowed) life into be able to challenge me, sharpen me to help me reach my potential? I'm certain that a marriage can occur between two people who are "nice" or cordial to one another. But, to me, it's no longer about companionship or procreation. I feel like I'm being called to contribute to a larger healing cause. Thus, it has to be a partnership where this calling is strengthened and magnified. I am encouraged by some of her recent sharings that indicate a change of attitude from before: the fact that she prays for each of her special education students every day, her realization that our situation has to be resolved, her acknowledging that God doesn't have to answer only in a supernatural way, her dedication for wanting to complete her training in seminary and make a career change. I care for her as a spiritual sibling, and if there is something that I can do to NOT trip her up, I am committed to it. Maybe that explains why I've been "dragging my feet". I've always believed that God has provided me (and will continue to do so) with sufficient grace to get through this (even if it's a day's ration at a time). I've come to realize that grace is not this anesthetic numbness given to shield me from grief. Instead, it comes in the form of encouragement from my inner community, those that are praying for me and keeping me accountable, AS I GREIVE. It also comes in the form of an opportunity to be a blessing to others. I believe that my worship to God (particularly when there's pain in the offering) will be what heals me. Yes, I've been wounded and will probably be scarred forever, but it has made me a stronger servant.

Some struggles are good to go through, because it is a form of course correction. Recently, I have realized that I have been living most of my life being self-centred. Of course, I haven't gone around actively pursuing a life of vanity and pleasure. Or have I? Even the slightest ounce of comfort that I have chosen probably came at the sacrifice of helping to correct the imbalance of justice in this world, whether or not I intended to do so. Perhaps, most of society that I have lived in has been lulled into a materialistic coma where even those with the capability to make a difference are blinded from the pain in the world. The shroud of comfort is an effective strategy to derail any healing efforts by taking advantage of human nature's aversion to discomfort. OK. Now that I make this realization, how do I live? I am more aware of how easily I can blunder an opportunity, or just how inadequately prepared/committed I am. I start by constantly trying to remind myself that "there are always opportunities", as the chance to serve others doesn't often choose the most convenient of times to present itself. So do I choose to engage in EVERY chance that is available, because there certainly is no shortage when one looks? With limited resources of time and money, and without compromising my commitments to other people or programs, should I develop a selection process? In serving one cause, I may be disserving another. In the story of the Good Samaritan, it was the most unlikely of people that stepped up to help in the end. What if, instead of a priest, it was a small group leader (to put it in today's context) that was the first person who passed by? In this case, it wasn't someone who was robbed and beaten, but someone who doesn't speak the native language very well who is seeking directions. This small group leader in on his way to a meeting, and has spent time preparing a meaningful Bible study or was in charge of cooking the meal for the group. Whatever, he had made a commitment and people are depending on him. I can see how it would be easy to justify not stopping to assist (thinking that someone else will stop by to help). It wasn't out of prejudice, being a bad person, or discomfort (for this person just finished doing a sandwich run for the homeless the night before!). But it was his choice of fulfilling an act of service that would impact a greater number of people. It is a dilemma that must be wrestled with, ESPECIALLY by those who are choosing a servant mentality. The truth is that there is SO much work out there and it is absolutely impossible to take it all on. I wonder what reasoning Mother Teresa or Gandhi used when faced with such dilemmas. Am I right in thinking that, just like in business, there needs to be a disciplined acumen when planning to serve? I guess that the danger is to not get caught up in the analysis, but to use it as a guidance tool. I'm sure that Jesus could have taught and healed all day and all night. But He understood the limitations of His physical body (resources) and chose to "not serve" at times. Short sprint or long marathon, I guess.