CAPACITY DISPOSITION

I have discovered that it doesn’t take much to get me to start feeling sorry for myself. It’s not that I’m constantly looking to host a pity party for one, but feeling sorry for myself can sometimes be easily triggered and display itself in different forms. It is best described as a deep sense of longing, like something important is revealed to everyone, but is passing me by. It’s not hard for me to rationalize that thought, as I look at couples around me and how they “look “ at each other, with a genuine sense of care and love. Of course, this always seems to cascade into “where did I go wrong?” or “seems like such an easy, natural process – but not for me” The more I think about it, the more I yearn for it, the more it hurts.
[Days Of Elijah playing on Archos]
It’s not really a new revelation, and I think that I’ve journalled about it before. For some reason, though, sharing about this thought with Simon over an Indian buffet lunch seemed to reveal a new clarity to an old subject. We were talking about passions, and I shared with him my growing passion to want to help people, full time. He shared about his passion (to sing) and that this was, what he perceived, to be the most appropriate channel he can serve God optimally (as opposed to overseas work, preaching, etc.) He mentioned that if this was NOT God’s calling for him, God should then take that desire away, as it would prove to be to much of a torment as desired unfulfilled. I also shared with him another passion of mine. That it, the deep desire to share my love and life with a wife and to build a family. I told him how much it pains me to realize that this is not something that I can behold at the moment. He seemed to understand, and said that he would pray for me. Thinking back now, I should have asked him what he was going to pray for. That God take this desire away from me?
[God So Loved playing on Archos]
It then struck me (perhaps again) that this is all part of a package given to me to steward. Perhaps the desire/ability to want to love/serve others is part of an attribute set that also makes me passionately yearn for some of the things I just mentioned. So, it is then not possible to severe one away without reducing the other. It felt so ‘rehearsed’ when I shared this with Simon, but it was quite an interesting (re)revelation to me. Perhaps the prayer is not that God remove any ‘undesired’ desires away, but that the focus is on the part of the desire that will further His Kingdom.