I'm sitting here in front of the computer, staring at the Bible that is open. It's not that I don't want to read. It has been hard trying to make this a habit (and obviously, waiting until 11:30 at night when my mind is not at its sharpest is not going to help matters). It snowing like mad outside, and deep down, I'm exciting. Because Vermont is only 2 more weekends from now and I can't wait. Ontario's mountains are probably just mole hills compared to what we're going to. Pun intended.

I just finished reading some other people's blogs. I wonder if people do that a lot. Just sit there are read other people's thoughts. Does someone just log onto blogger.com and randomly choose one of the most recently published blogs, find something interesting, and then bookmark it? I can understand the voyeuristic shelter that just a medium provides for looking into someone's mind. But, in the end, who cares? Are you really getting to know someone by what they pen? Or is the world so lonely that the only connection that we find at those of imprints left by someone else, not really for the purpose of making a connection?

That's kind of how my life is right now. It's like an imprint because it is so surreal, hollowed out, like a shell. I really have no choice but to wake up and live in it and then fall asleep again. Maybe that's why I'm reading the Bible with so much cynicism. I just feel like I've been waiting for something spectacular to happen in the past 2.5 years. More and more I feel like my whole life I've been waiting. Maybe I was able to soothe myself at different stages of my life, be it through naivete or temporary pursuits. Life is so segmented when you are growing up. Screw up your primary years, no problem, you have your high school years. Screw that up, well then you have university. Screw that up, well then you have your work life. Then, all of a sudden, you look back and realize that you've left a trial of failure imprints.

And then reading the Bible doesn't bring comfort (maybe because I'm half-heartedly expecting any). All I see is how God chose people for their destiny. How about the people who got shafted or were not mentioned in the annals of great faithmen. For every inch of significance that the Bible refers to, there must be miles and miles of insignificance; just people living out their shells chasing imprints.

So, I can only hope that there is a sense of accomplishment in finishing this reading initiative. Just like I can only hope that there is some personal sense of worth of doing the things that I do. I say that it is out of my love for God, but know I wonder if I really have that ability. Maybe I'm just a drone with very basic level programming, and that is all that God expects of me.