BENEVOLENCE TEST - FAILED

[Burn For You playing on Archos]
I've noticed a recurring pattern. Every time I dwell on my personal problems and feel myself slipping into thoughts of despair and hopelessness, it is then that an opportunity (to serve) presents itself. It is almost like an ongoing test - to see if I can look beyond my self-centered perspective and see the true pain that's happening in this world. Or perhaps it's a blessing from God to assist in pulling me out of the mire. Today was no different.
[Gone playing on Archos]
Traffic was good today so I got to Yorkdale for church a little earlier than expected. I decided to go past Yorkdale and drive into a plaza parking lot, to finish off my coffee and do some reading before going to service. As I sat in the car, this tall, unshaven man approached my car. I thought he would pass my car but he stopped right on the other side of my window. He knocked on the window. Slightly startled, I slid the window down a crack. He started his "schpiel". He had an underaged niece with him (although she could not be seen) that was in need of assistance. There were no shelters that would allow a man of his age to stay with a young girl. He needed $50 for a motel that night and some more money for travel.
[Trudog playing on Archos]
Here was my response. I asked him if he had been able to contact the local church, who would be able to provide assistance. He started getting very hostile at that remark, saying that she had been sexually abused by her parents and her situation was fairly desperate. I mentioned that Children's Aid Society is very well equipped to handle these situations. He said that she was scared "#*%!-less" of CAS. I said that I wasn't able to help him. He asked why and then said that I was very selfish. I don't remember exactly what he said, but he mentioned that my responses were not very Christ-like, that I was of the devil and that he was no longer going to speak to someone of the devil. He then walked off.
[Catchafire playing on Archos]
It wasn't his criticism that is bothering me right now, because I've been called worst things or have had hexes put on me. It is, once again, the retrospect that I allowed my own cynicism, mistrust, and pride to get in the way of how I should have responded. Having lived downtown for more than 3 years, I'm used to engaging people who are asking for money. I have adopted a personal philosophy of not giving money because I see it as an easy way to sweep the hurt out of sight and out of my conscience. Thus, I try to make it a point to carry food with me whenever I'm walking downtown (and it has to be food that is soft, because I had soon discovered that many homeless people cannot eat hard foods because they have no teeth!). If not, I will go somewhere and buy them food and bring it back. To say that I was caught off guard today would be a very lame excuse. The truth is that I had my sight obstructed/distracted by my own issues. I'm kicking myself because I could have made a difference (or least taken a different approach so as to improve the chances of making a difference).
[Hey Now playing on Archos]
I should have stepped out of the car and not talk to someone through the small crack of a window (small enough so that had he tried to grab at me, his hand would not have fit. That's what I was thinking.)
I should have kept eye contact with him. As he was going on about his niece, I remember distinctly that I looked away, as if in disbelief or disinterest.
I should have told him more confidently that I would not help him out by giving him money (he knew I was lying when I told him that I didn't have money to give) because it would not solve his long term problem (i.e. what was he going to do for the next day's motel fee). The focus should not have been on the money, but that I cared for him.
I should have offered him food. I was parked outside a McDonald's for crying out loud. I could have suggested that I buy him and his niece a meal.
I should not have gave him the shallow suggestion of going to the church. For one thing, I'm pretty disheartened by church in general. And it's the "passing the buck" attitude like what I displayed that is part of the problem. After all, in a way, I am a representative of the church and he came to me. Was I expecting that there is a person at any given church with the specific job of helping people in need? Yes, Mr. Person-In-Need, just ask for the Pastor of Benevoence- he'll hook you up! Of course not. Assuming that he even got through to someone at a church, it would be someone like me, a layperson presented with an unexpected opportunity to serve who would be facing this same decision to help or not. So, in essence, I was using the "church" pat answer to somehow relieve me of my obligation.
[Phenomenon playing on Archos]
And all this as I was waiting to attend a church that represents itself as a benevolent and caring community of Jesus followers trying to make a difference in this city. I think the title of this blog says it all.