PERSPECTIVES

[Chains Of Love playing on Archos]
Perspective is a life long exercise. You never reach absolute perspective because you can't know everything, which begs the question of why, as humans, we think that we are such good judges. I'm reminded about this as I contemplate what I've done in the past week. I went riding at Blue Mountain on Sunday, and then to Mount St. Louis on Tuesday. I still find it very therapeutic to be able to glide down the side of a mountain, sometimes at break-neck speeds on nothing more than a waxed piece of wood. It's a certain feeling of freedom or care-free-ness - I get to forget about the breakdowns in my life for a short while. Well, boo-hoo on me.
[I Think I'm In Love With You playing on Archos]
Then, it hits me like a tsunami tidal wave. Less than half way around the world, there is someone who is dying of dehydration right now, while I'm mindlessly entertaining myself in the snow. Snow that was mainly made by machines using water clean enough that it could be giving critical life somewhere else. Yet, someone RIGHT NOW is forced into making a decision to die of thirst or to drink dirty water. Or should I say, someone is choosing to die right now or to die later.

Katherine called me yesterday, rather upset. There were some initial talks about organizing a New Year's eve snowboarding trip to BM. However, an evite was sent out yesterday inviting everyone to Cathy and Kevin's. Our attempt to get lodging near BM made us aware of the absolute greed of people: $2,000 a night for a 6 person chalet! As well, the weather forecasts are saying that it's going to be well over zero, making for a very slushy and slippery terrain, not ideal for riding. Anyways, she was lambasting all of her friends for being so SELFISH, for never being organized with plans and for insensitively changing minds at the last minute. I had to control myself from laughing out loud because I think that it is rather ironic that she talks about selfishness as if this was a new human characteristic that she has just discovered, particularly in those around her and how it's cramping her styles. I can't believe I'm having this conversation with her because I tend to think that it was her selfishness that has gotten us into this mess in the first place. And yet, the death toll from the tsunami is increasing logarithmically.
[Time After Time playing on Archos]
The pain that I wrestle with is not a new wound that I sustained from this breakdown. I now realize that I've always been carrying this lesion. Perhaps it stems from the awkwardness I feel towards myself and how I've never really experienced any sense of belonging anywhere, socially, professionally or even, to some degree, familial. And perhaps I've always tried to rebel against/fight this, forcing my way into acceptance. My service to the church to the point where I was a constant (and yet sometimes taken for granted/assumed to be reliable) fixture, my dedicated work ethics which allowed me to achieve accolades, and even having successfully executed a marriage. I convinced myself that these controllable actions would eradicate this ever dependable pain, or at the very least have it buried deep enough so that it would not hurt me. Yet, all the events that are happening in my life right now seem to be peeling away each layer of denial that I've used as dressing for this grotesque injury. The pain is intense because it's like ripping off a scab when the damage hasn't healed. Maybe it's time that I start acknowledging that my life is wasted in trying to make it go away. "God is enough". Heard recently, this is not a new concept. Does peace mean living a life that is pain free and that everything is in some equalized state? Or does it mean being able to bear the pain that comes from living in a world that has fallen because of the gift of free will AND still be able to make a positive difference in someone else's life? Perspective is important.