ENTITLEMENT

I donned my swimming trunks for the first time in a very long while. I got in and started swimming the only way that I know how: front crawl. As someone who has had very little swimming instruction, I'm certain that my technique is not efficient and probably awkward to look at. After the second lap, I was gasping. I suspect that it had more to do with fear of drowning than being out of shape. Panic felt very close as I knew that if I were to gulp in water while taking a breath, I would freak out. Because of this mental anxiety block, I could not string together more than 2 lengths at a time. Being passed by a 70 year old grandfather did not bother me as I was more concerned about controlling my breathing despite my body's protest; I would have dreaded more having a life guard jump in and haul my sorry butt out! After laboring through another few lengths (even resigning to just using a flutter board near the end), I humbly exited the pool in defeat. I learned that the distance of one length of the pool is 25 metres. 750 metres is my goal; that's 30 lengths! Boy, I have a long way to go...

I discovered the term "Entitlement" this weekend. Since then, I've been thinking about this a lot. It explains many things, such as my disappointment reaction to how things have turned out in my life. It could be because of how I was raised, but probably more so from the society that I grew up in, that I feel it's reasonable to think that things should happen in a certain type of order. If I exert effort and invest time into something, a resulting consequence should occur. Of course, being selfish in nature, I expect these outcomes to be favorable. Disappointment occurs when much effort has been exerted, yet the outcome does not match my expectation, including when there is no resulting outcome. But this stems from my Entitlement mentality. If I feel that I am supposed to receive certain outcomes or that this causal model is suppose to be flawless, then all I end up doing is needlessly adopting disappointment and sadness. The natural inclination, then, is to turn to someone or something to attempt to correct this shortfall; perhaps if I pray hard enough to God, my expectations would then be made whole. But, when nothing changes after all the increased prayer, the disappointment remains, perhaps even greater since I had further added yet another unmet expectation: the expectation that if I prayed hard enough, things would change and get better. It is disappointment compounded. But where do I draw the line between an Entitlement perspective and apathy. I don't think God called me to be a pushover (although I think that this may be one of the reasons why my marriage was faulty to begin with) and to let others take advantage of me. At the same time, I can see how taking a firm stance in making sure that I am never disadvantaged by people is the same fuel that leads to selfishness and agression, often hindering any type of compassionate action or benevolence. If I'm too worried about being mugged by a homeless person or getting myself dirty by coming in close contact with him, I would NEVER be able to engage him in a meaningful relationship. In fact, isn't how I deal with my marital problems going to be a reflection of how strongly I hold on to my Entitlement mentality? Is the renouncing of my Entitlement a sign of strength or weakness?