WEARY WANDERER

I have realized how important it is to focus on some of the good things that are happening around me. If not for the sake of keeping myself from falling into depression, at least for when I look back, I will see that even during the toughest of times, there were aid stations around me. All I had to do was open my eyes and reach out...

It's been a while since I've left the movie theatres feeling satisfied, despite having only paid $4.25 for an afternoon matinee. Choosing the less expensive time means that I usually have to watch the movie with snotty kids and other people for whom movie etiquette does not exist. But, despite sitting beside this one kid who kept ruffling a plastic bag to get at his smuggled-in, "non-theatre" popcorn THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE!!, I still really enjoyed Batman Begins. It did an excellent job of filling in the prequel gaps without being bored in details. This was very entertaining and for once, the character of Bruce Wayne seemed very believable.

I purchased a pair of steel-toed work boots and a tool belt, both of which I got to christen at a recent, local Habitat Blitz Build. I will certainly be using this equipment in New Zealand and any other builds that I join (this is me justifying the purchase!).

All the details of the condo sale are finally closed. All financial details have been settled with all parties involved and the paperwork is complete. I don't find myself missing it at all - just finding it annoyting that I now have to pay to park downtow. But that's not a bad thing; I'm being more thoughtful about taking the subway downtown.

I had a phone interview with the hiring manager at EPCOR's trading desk in Calgary. It was a pretty good interview, as I wasn't nervous and the responses came quickly, delivered with modest confidence. Even the response to their trick question ("How many hockey sticks were manufactured last year?") came pretty quickly. I'm supposed to hear back from him in a week's time. I'm still unsettled about this because if an offer comes through, there are still many factors that may impact this decision: obligations in Ontario (triathlon, T&C's wedding), trip to New Zealand in July, the logistics of relocating (will EPCOR assist in moving, helping to find a place), the economics of timing (I'm still being compensated at the current rate for the next quarter, this position is likely in a lower band), other postings have come out, etc. So, despite this preliminary development, I feel that I am still far from feeling settled vocationally. I have also submitted applications to UNDP and Oxfam but haven't heard anything yet. I had lunch with a colleague and he encouraged me to not get embroiled in uncertainty. Rather, enjoy the time that is granted now and rest easy in the fact that things will be okay for the future, taking this early progress (i.e. getting an interview on my first application) as a good sign.

My community has been so supportive of my current commuting stress. I was connected with a mutual friend who recently had a fall out with a house mate. He owns a condo in the exact area that I've been keeping my eyes on. And he's literally giving away this rental just so he can find a tenant who is not flakey. I've been in touch with him and we are trying to arrange a time to get together. Another friend of mine just bought a house also in the same area. He has a vision of having a place where he can provide lodging for returning/visiting missionaries! He knows of my situation and has offered me tenancy as well! Wow! Praise God! Of course, or should I say once again, the celebration is watered down by the fact that I don't know how long I'll be in Toronto. If I'm only going to be here for a month, it might not be a good idea to move. Even 3 months would be questionable. Well, there is some relief. My friends J&C are going on a week long cruise this week and have asked me to housesit their condo. This place is close to work and right on the subway line.

So, it's boiled down to numbers between Katherine and I. I was a little surprised by how upset she became when I shared with her that I was looking at relocating out of province. She feels that if we are to "work on this", I should not be making plans for my future that don't include her. As she is still working on her counselling certification (which could take another 2 years or so, depending if she continues working full time), it is inconceivable that she would move to Calgary. Again, she indicated what a big step of progress it was for her to get to this point where she is willing to commit to this relationship. Again, I mentioned that her definition of "making it work" includes the possibility that it may not work out or that she may never arrive at the point where she is fully committed to this (i.e. where the hallmarks of a God-honoring marriage are present). She said that she is at about 80% committment and that all it would take to get her to 100% is 100% of my effort. Frankly, I told her, I feel like I'm at 0% effort right now. I have no desire for her and based on what I've seen so far, she hasn't changed at all, even from before we were married. It makes it very hard for me to want to give any effort when her behaviour is still the same as before, which I view is the leading cause for why the breakdown occured in the first place. I'm certain that even if she was at 100% committment, I would still have many issues to deal with: her self-centeredness, her family issues, my family issues with her. I envision a relationship where 2 people just happen to be committed to each other only from a time perspective (i.e. 2 people doing activities at the same time) and nothing else. Frankly, that scares me, because I think that I would feel even lonelier that I do now. I can see how my involvement with community now (where I do find solace and support in fellowship and service) would be stripped away because of time demands by her. I guess at one point, I let it slip out that feel strongly that I didn't choose to be in this situation. I shouldn't have been surprised by her response, but she snapped back that she didn't choose this either: that I knew before the wedding that she wasn't ready to commit and that basically she was forced into it. I don't have the emotional energy to be shocked by that statement right now.

I'm noticing a recurring theme. Things are getting resolved ONE THING AT A SNAIL'S-PACE TIME. And each situation is multi-faceted, such that it takes 2 or 3 things to fall in place before I can feel that it is resolved. I found myself wondering if I forced things to be resolved all at once and right away, would I really be at peace with the 'peace' that I had orchestrated? Maybe there would be some regret/remorse for having forced the timelines. Would it feel artificial? Or is it better that things are resolved in God's time? My past few posts have been long ones, despite my best efforts to pare them down. It's a reflection of just how many things are happening and how much thought I've been giving to each. I really just yearn for a more simple life.