TOO MUCH TO BLOG ABOUT

Never in my life have I felt so unsettled before. So many things are happening in my life, but nothing seems to be resolved. I wonder if I have brought this on myself for not being more assertive and decisive. Yet, it seems like some of these things are beyond my control or contrary to the person that I see myself as. If I were a “bad-der” person, would I perhaps not find myself in such a state of confusion? It seems like I’m living through a twisted hell: I’ve been very blessed materially, I am surrounded by many meaningful relationships, and I have experienced successes in my academic and professional careers. Yet, I am wading through an indescribable grief, one that I am desperately pleading relief from. Is all this suffering necessary or even required? I fear that when I meet God face to face, I will ask Him whether or not my suffering had helped to further His Kingdom or was a blessing to others. And He would say that my suffering was not meaningful, that it was merely a consequence of my choice to stick with it all because I didn’t choose to alter things that were within my control. I can’t even begin to imagine the disappointment of realizing that I was not a good steward of the life loaned to me.

WORK
Well, it’s official. I have been told in a letter printed on official company letterhead that, “as a result of the recent corporate reorganization”, my position is no longer required. The official date of termination is September 30, 2005. Now that I know the exact date, there is a certain sense of closure, as I was struggling with uncertainty last week. But this relief is short lived because now there are other things to consider. EPCOR was very generous with its “termination and retention” efforts, proposing 40% of my annual salary as a severance package. But I would only receive this if I stayed until the termination date. Basically, I can’t really start job hunting until closer to the termination date if I want to realize the package. I’m supposed to meet with the Sr. V.P. again some time this week. I suspect that it is in follow up to the conversation that we had about a week and a half ago, that perhaps he was able to make contact with someone at the Calgary office. But it also means that I may have to contemplate a move before the termination date and in doing so, forfeit the severance package. Of course, this package should only be seen as a safety net should both EPCOR and I fail in our attempts to find redeployment before September 30. I know that most of my colleagues are trying to optimize the situation by timing the start of a new job RIGHT after the termination date. There are obviously complicated economics involved in any decision that I make from now until September 30, which CAN be stressful if I choose to make it so. Actually, I’m more leery of starting a job soon and then having to take 2.5 weeks off to go to New Zealand. And if I’m out west, I’d have to fly back for the triathlon. And then for Tammy and Clinton’s wedding (Clinton asked me to be his groomsman). Yikes!

HOUSING
Because of the developments at work, the whole search process for a place of my own will have to change. I cannot sign a year long lease (which is what most landlords demand) knowing that I will only be in the EPCOR Toronto office until, at the very latest, September 30. At the same time, I am yearning SO MUCH to eliminate this crazy daily commute. Now that it’s summer time, I have to fight stop-and-go congestion (which I combat by starting my daily commute before 6 a.m.) AND lane-eliminating road construction (which happens after 10 p.m.) There are times where I almost don’t care about the cost considerations. But, the practical side of me is still a strong enough presence to keep me from doing anything rash. What to do?!

HARBOURFRONT CONDO
Although this has closed, I’m still not feeling that this has been resolved, as there are still outstanding financial details to take care of. Until these are settled, it will still be open in my mind. Because I know that Katherine’s parents have a heavy hand of influence on her with how the financials are viewed, I suspect it may be a drawn out process, as most other things have been. I have spent the better part of last week compiling all financial details of the past 4 years to determine how the financial details should be sorted. I know from past experiences that the way her family views financial details is often skewed towards ensuring that Katherine benefits most. As such, I know that there could be a lengthy “battle” that could result.

KATHERINE
I had a lengthy chat with Katherine at Toogood Pond in Unionville. Ironically, this is the place where we had taken our wedding photos, so there were some mixed sentiments as I passed by a few of the “shoot locations”. We discussed the financials (where I presented the summation of my work from the past week) and the next steps in our relationship. She still seems bent on “making this work”. I continued to press her for what that meant, citing my skepticism that this was just a ploy to restore things to the way there were, so as to avoid having to deal with the consequences of divorce and/or facing the prospect of being alone. I’m not sure if it was heat-induced dehydration or something else, but her response this time seemed more mature and thought out. She returned back to comparing herself to Abraham, being in a position where she is being asked to do something so incredibly unreasonable/unthinkable. Yet, it was by faith that Abraham proceeded to go and sacrifice his only son Isaac, but not without his own documented doubts (he figured that God would raise Isaac from the dead). I’m not sure if deciding to keep an illegitimate marriage should be such a heart-wrenching decision to make. Yet, she claims that she feels this is the “right thing to do”, hoping that by her stepping out in faith, God will somehow honour that by intervening, as He did when a ram appeared from nowhere to substitute for Isaac. She then proceeded to take out our wedding bands, giving me mine back as a token of her commitment to trying. I was quite taken back when I saw that ring because I haven't seen it in a while. At first, I thought she wanted me to wear it, which I was immediately resistant to: this would only serve to perpetuate this “play married" thing that we’ve been doing quite well over the past 4 years, half of which I didn’t wear a band anyways. I think she noticed my opposition and said that this gesture was to show that she is serious about taking the next step in faith, whatever the results may be. I examined my feelings and realized that there is only one thing that would make me take back my band. I was reminded of the covenant that I made with God on June 30, 2001 and still hold dear to it. At this point, I can honestly say that there is nothing that attracts me to Katherine. I’m not sure if it’s a result of the emotional baggage that I’ve had to carry for 4 years or if we’ve both grown apart. Well, once again, let’s wait and see…

HOMELESSNESS
It is a sad irony that I will be traveling to New Zealand in a few more weeks to help a family escape from homelessness. Homelessness can be defined in many different ways and it is different from typical “shelterless-ness”, which we often associate with the more visible squeegee kids/panhandlers. Homelessness can also refer to people who are living in overcrowded, substandard housing or those that are living in broken relationships when there is nowhere else to go. In many ways, I feel that I am “homeless”. “Home” should be a place where I feel I belong: a physical place where I can store my worldly belongings without feeling like it’s in people’s way, a place where I can just kick back my feet without disturbance, a place where you can settle and not feel that you need to get ready to move from at any moment.

SOME OF THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE:
- chilling with Ryan and Nicholas, 2 very adorable twin boys who don't speak a word of English, but communicate at a level that is highly advanced
- meeting Ella for the first time
- pong with Clinton for the very last time in the condo, unless we meet someone else that lives at 33 Harbour Square
- quadruple C (24 oz. Colossal Colon Clogger Combo) PLUS a Fudgie Overdose at DD's with Simon and Elliot; essentially risked setting my triathlon training back by a few weeks!
- blooming onion PLUS prime rib at Outback with Clinton (after an afternoon of badminton)
- discovering a new outdoor tennis court that is free AND less than 10 minutes away from work; with Kevin
- actually cooking something for the first time and having it turn out half okay (or at the very least being with a small group that is very polite)
- seeing Anna "kick" the final last 100 metres of RunTO, kicking her way to a 80th percentile finish!!

I was very agitated this morning because I didn’t sleep too well the night before, partly due to the heat, partly due to the large caffeinated coffee I had while reading The Walrus before turning in. Aside from feeling gross from a night of sweating and the irritation of not having packed any food with me, I found myself drowning in lethargy that was brought on by the overwhelming sense of life’s hopelessness. I could not comprehend why things are the way they are. I remember very little about the commute (which is a little scary when you think about how you can hurl yourself at over 110 km/h and only be half alert). I got to the swimming pool and wanted to quickly rinse myself before jumping into the pool as I normally do, but all the stalls were occupied. This compounded my irritation, so I decided to just jump into the pool. Before I knew it, I had finished my training distance, gasping for air after a good, frustration-busting work out. I then made a realization: I felt whole a lot better, despite my muscles and lungs burning with pain. As I’ve realized before, the physical pain served as a good distraction from the emotional pain (which was highly exaggerated by the series of events of that morning). I had a similar thought after pounding out 10 km’s in 30+ weather in the afternoon. Thank God for endorphin!!