NOT AGAIN!

An hour and a half after arriving early at church to help set up, I found myself sitting in an empty auditorium listening to the worship team go through its final sound check, as my team had just put up all the equipment. A member of the leadership team sat down beside me and we chatted for a bit. He suggested that, given my current circumstances, it may not be a good idea for me to take on leadership of the home church group that I’ve been training for, just yet. Understandably, I still have not resolved my marital problems and, depending on how it is resolved, it may prove to be as likely a source of encouragement as it is a stumbling block. When placed into a leadership position, you tend to have a higher requirement of accountability. Of course, I felt disappointed inside, as it seems like it took me so long to realize that service doesn't just happen when life is perfect. In fact, some of the most effective servants are those who are serving gladheartedly AND carrying their own heavy load as well. This has rung so true with me in the past few months as I have discovered a comforting peace through serving others. I was looking forward to the challenge of bearing the responsibility of leadership. I felt, once again, a door to ministry was shut because my situation persists, like a foul odor I can’t shake. It’s frustrating because I know I have the choice of quickly ending this thing that is preventing me from leading right now, yet doing so might also cost me being able to lead in the future. As I was pondering this (more like pitying myself), one of my teammates sat down with me. He was sharing about how he wanted to get into the funeral home business, quite a change from his current job as a foot courier. He explained that ever since his wife passed away less than 2 years ago, he has developed a unique appreciation for death. Wow! It really blew me away because he is around the same age as I. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain the he has had to grapple with. Once again, I was reminded of how much pain there is around me and that I can become so blinded when I focus on my own trivial matters. It dawned on me that I could still serve in the home church ministry, just not under the distinction of a title. This is just as well as I know that having to attend administrative meetings always accompanies titles. In fact, I’m encouraged to see that the Meeting House is more concerned about how one develops spiritual maturity through a bad situation and not necessarily on the bad situation itself. If anything, it was a gentle reminder to me that I can’t use ministry as an excuse to sweep something under the carpet. In fact, I’m starting to see HOW I resolve things with Katherine as a ministry in itself. So, right now, I actually feel more hopeful that I do disappointment. Again, it’s all about how you frame it.

I stumbled across some random thoughts that I had scribbled down in my work journal. It’s not dated, but I seem to recall having written these near when I first started using that log, whose original entry was May 12, 2004. So, here were some of my thoughts from May of last year:
Why would you think that the God of ‘should be’ couldn’t be the God of ‘should not be’? Maybe a crisis in life is a way of telling someone that they are not where they should be. Being human means having the ability to choose your own destiny, but if you are an anomaly, any choice you make is inherently anomalous. If I am not to have children, then let me live out the life of 3 or 4 generations. Satan buries his talons into my soul, and I am disoriented as I try to shake free; finally, maybe because he grows tired or bored, he releases me. What kind of sacrifice is it if the cross I am to bear is a light one? If the only things that I had to forsake were things which I could have done away with anyways, how is that commitment? How is that showing true love?