DESTROY COERCION THROUGH COERCION

(written for March 22, 2005)
For the first time, I am having strong doubts about my approach. I'm touched that my family has such a strong conviction for what's been happening, and their passionate desire for this to end and for me to move on. Am I that feeble minded not to see how this unfavorable situation is being dragged out for someone else's gain? Can someone be so diabolically selfish that their promises seem so genuine? I keep on thinking about what Jesus would have done in my situation, but I dismiss it quickly. He is such a good judge of character that He would have avoided this situation, methinks. Despite all the loving advice that I've received, telling me to end this painful situation, I have always felt like I'm taking the right approach: minimize (or even eliminate) damage in a world where there is already so much hurt. Any quick solution I choose now WILL result in broken relationships. Understandably, the argument could be made that in my trying to minimize hurt brought on to someone else, I end up bringing more damage to myself. So far, I feel like I've been given enough grace to endure. But I really had doubts last night. Am I just fooling myself? Is there NO OTHER WAY to get out of this? I begged for reassurance or validation, but got none. I really want to move on with my life, as I don't see any sign for a God-honouring marriage to come out of this. Is it just, after all, a test of assertiveness? Not a bad skill to have as it is the same fabric that is required for standing up to injustices and inflictions. But I've perpetually wrestled with the possible collateral damage with being assertive in this complex, human-relationship situation. I know for sure that THIS is the only reason why I'm not pushing back. But for how long?

Despite all the love and support that my community has surrounded me with, the newly discovered peace when serving others, I felt SO ALONE last night. If only I knew without a doubt that I'm doing the right thing or at the very least that my approach is what pleases God, I would be fine. There is nothing more piercing than wanting so bad to hear from God but what comes back is silence. I really wish that He would honour me, as I have been trying to honour Him.