TRUE PEACE TESTED

I feel like this new found peace was put to its first major test last night. I had dinner with Katherine, with the hope of discussing the next steps in resolving our current impasse. Once again, I quickly found myself on the defensive, as she displayed her knack for picking on statements that I make and then manipulating them in defense of her own position. I find that in dialoguing with her, I often feel like the one that is victimizing her and I'm often left scratching my head, thinking how bad of a person I am. However, last night was a little different. It's amazing how this 'peace' almost spoke to me, to let go of the conversation, not be antagonistic, and to pray throughout the night. I felt the burden of having to defend my "case" lifted and openly allowed the Spirit to use my voice to speak.

She claims to have made great strides in her own personal journey, as she is NOW willing to "work" on the marriage (as opposed to desperately searching for a way out). When I asked her what that might look like, she immediately scolded me for focusing on the practical, worldly things. Instead, I should recognize the spiritual significance of this realization of her's. Certainly, as she admitted, it will not mean that immediately she would espouse me in the same way that most married couples feel towards each other. That might take time and there's a chance that that level of intimacy may never be reached.

I shared with her this newfound peace that I've discovered lately through service. She was quick to remind me that early in our relationship, service was always in conflict with the relationship. She recalled in our first year at Queen's, the number of "arguments" (I use quotes here because she would usually get her way in the end; this defeats the spirit of discussing the 2 sides of choice when the outcome is pre-determined) that we would get into because certain ministry commitments would interfere with socializing. She was surprised and disappointed that the very first thing that I shared about last night was my passion for serving. She said that this has always been a fact and it's not anything new (she's always been keen on new revelations, particularly if it somehow relieves her of her current struggles).

Just to test the waters, I responded to her question of what the next step is. I told her that I believed how important it was, even if we committed to trying to make this "work", that there needs to be a definitive conclusion of our current marriage. Because it was entered into with such illegitimacy and there is obviously a lot of baggage that has accumulated because of it, having a break would be beneficial for any new start to begin. She immediately resisted this idea. Under the assumption that retrying to make the marriage "work" is going to be lasting, she did not want to have to go through a wedding again (once again, she labeled June 30, 2001 "Hell", "the worst day of her life"). Once more, she is insisting on having the existing marriage label grandfather over to any new relationship that ensues. This discussion carried on for another 15 minutes or so and I found myself getting defensive. However, I was reminded again to let go of it and I backed down (in terms of my tone; my position still remained gracefully solid). I tested the waters again. Assume that we have decided to make this "work" (and avoid the whole annulment/divorce thing as she desires), another plan is to move back together right away, as it is obvious that the current living arrangements (her at her parents', me at mine) are taking a toll on both of us. I shared with her my recent thoughts about living in the community that I'm serving in. I'm just about to complete my small group leader training with the goal of being handed over co-leadership of a small group that meets in Scarborough. I could tell by her body language that Scarborough is not a place she has ever considered living in. I also mentioned to her that I had thought about renting because I wasn't sure what my plans are for the next few years. I want overseas service to be a feasible option and home ownership here might hinder that. She immediately objected, saying that renting is just like throwing money away. She believes that we should start house hunting! What?! I don't know why, but I had a really sick feeling in my stomach, recalling the tortuous experience I went through in sourcing and eventually purchasing the condo downtown. Once again, I backed down, allowing the Spirit to dictate my words and demeanor.

I don't believe in playing games when having a sincere conversation with someone, so "testing the waters" was a little uncomfortable. But I needed to know what she had in mind when claiming to want to make this "work". Once again, I see someone who is so frightened of being alone that they are willing to abuse a relationship. Never once did she mention love or support. She even stated that she wants to adopt, but never mentioned about having a family with me.

Normally, after such a long and intense conversation, I would be exhausted and all beaten up. That usually happens because I'm trying so hard to defend myself, often struggling to remember what my original position was. I would feel so unvalued and imprisoned. But this time it was different. The 'peace' prevailed and I felt fine afterwards. Normally, I would also be very discouraged because I would have felt like the conversation didn't go anywhere in terms of resolving this terrible situation. In fact, having to write it all down means living through it again, so I would have pitter-pattered with this blog, probably taking a whole week to post. But, again, the 'peace' prevailed. I have concluded that no amount of coaxing from me, our friends, or even any of the spiritual mentors that she claims to revere will solve this. It will take something drastic that is initiated by God. I'm not hoping for an even worse tragedy to occur. Instead, I've resigned to the fact that this is such a complicated issue that it nearly demands divine intervention to resolve. Having said that, I'm not absolving my resposibilities here. In fact, I perceive a great threat to expansion of God's Kingdom. I believe that this kingdom is in the present and is fulfilled through the healing and reconciliation of the suffering of this world: it's people and Creation. I cannot imagine how a continued relationship with Katherine will further that. Instead, I can only see the relationship hindering this, as indicated even by how she responded to some of my ideas. Things will HAVE to change. Perhaps it is the revalation of His timing that is the divine inspiration that I'm anticipating.