PICTURES

About a week ago, we celebrated my dad's 60th birthday. It was quite touching to see people from his church throw together this surprise celebration, even in the midst of the heart-wrenching issues that have resulted from the current building project (a $4 million dollar project I note, as there is another nearby Chinese Baptist church that has just pushed through a $60 million dollar project with not nearly the same issues). Part of the 'program' that I helped with was the creation of a scrapbook that contained empty pages for all the guests to sign and write some impressions/well wishes. Part of my task was to scan some pictures of my father so that they could be incorporated into this scrapbook. I figured that it would be a relatively simple task: sneak through the 20 or so picture albums at my parents' house, scan them, and print them off. As I was going through this task, flipping through each page of captured memories from yester-years, I felt like I was constantly being hit by heavy bricks heaved from a far distance. I guess when you look at a picture, a lot can be said about that exact moment. Particularly when I know that my parents have never been ones to choose to stand in the spot light or express any hint of vanity, it emphasizes more the fact that whatever was captured in this prints are that much more genuine. Every smile is sincere and unstaged, coming from relatively camera-shy people. I couldn't help but notice that, especially in the pictures from 30 years ago, just how happy my parents were. From when they were dating, to their wedding album, to the early years my sister and I were born. Sure, fashion, landscapes and even picture paper quality changes, but you could tell, from their eyes and their smiles, that a deep sense of joy was in their possession. I try to guess what the exact thought was going through my mom or dad's mind at the moment that the picture was snapped. I can only assume that, despite some of the stresses that come with being a young couple and establishing themselves in a foreign land, they somehow found a way to overcome it with joy, with each other. Oh how I miss having thoughts that are happy go through my head/heart.

A couple days ago, I was back at the condo, doing my routine "pick up the mail and water the plants". I also wanted a place to park before going on the sandwich run. Given that it seems a little closer to the point where a certificate of divorce might be signed, I realize that the marriage license is a necessary document to have in order to complete the procedure (oddly, you need to prove that there is a marriage before you can prove that it doesn't work). I knew that the license was still at the condo. It was buried in the box of wedding stuff. As I found the manilla envelope containing this remaining 'recognized' symbol of my marriage, I couldn't help going through some of the other things in the box: receipts for the DJ, the cake, the pictures... There was a scrapbook (strangely, not unlike the one that was created for my father) that one of Katherine's friends had given to us as a post-wedding gift. In it, were 4 by 6 black and white prints. Unlike all of the other wedding pictures, these were all candids, and they were all well framed. Which means that they successfully captured a lot of the emotions and feelings of that exact moment. And seeing as they were candid shots, I probably didn't even know that they were being taken; again, reference to the sincerity of the moment. And, flipping through this scrapbook, I can confirm something that I've thought all along: my wedding day was the happiest day of my life! When I got to the end of it, all of a sudden everything was quiet. It was as if all of a sudden, all external noises were shut off, kind of like what it was like during the black out last year (you don't notice background noises like fans and traffic and ground hum until they're gone), but this was the internal noises. It was like my brain stopped its usual jumbled mess of busy thinking and every thread of my being just stood there in silence, united by one strong emotion. I'm pretty sure it was grief because I started crying...

DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE

Sometimes you wake up, begin your day, and you just know it's going to be a bad day. Whether it is remembering something that you forgot as you walk out of the house, getting stuck in an unexpected traffic jam even though you left for work early, or spilling Gatorade powder all over yourself as you're speaking to your boss in the kitchen. Once enough mishaps have occurred and in a not so random fashion, you become convinced that it is time to buckle down for a rough day. So, most of yesterday was spent half expecting more bad things to happen. It's when you're in this mindset and a pleasant surprise occurs that you are then taken back.

I often feel a sense of anxiety or heightened despair whenever there is a scheduled appointment with Dr. Poon. Yesterday was no exception, and it was compounded by the fact that I had forgotten about the appointment AND I had already registered for a workshop that evening. I've come to accept that not much happens in these sessions. Dr. Poon leads us through some scenarios and discussions, typically directed at Katherine, but it usually ends with Katherine declaring a stalemate, yet again. But I guess this is where the pleasant surprise came in yesterday. After the regular routine of talking about our situation to us, Dr. Poon must have said something that caused a pointed reaction. Because, for once, Katherine actually started to make sense. For the first time, there was a glimpse of hope in her demeanour and in her words. She seem to transfix on the resulting freedom from going through some action that would symbolize the end, namely the burning of our wedding pictures and her wedding gown. Mind you, she did not say this in a psychotic, pyromaniac way, but it was more in the context of doing something (whether it was through the action of burying, discarding, burning) to rid herself of all reminders of that terrible day. I had more in mind the completion of the certificate of divorce, which I see also as a formal ritual to achieve closure. Katherine even made the suggestion of having a month of complete isolation from each other, so that we could pray about this and deliberately bring ourselves to the point where both of us can truly say that we are in perfect tune with God. And should our discovery of God's plan for ourselves individually also reveal that there will still be some relation to each other, well, then that's another bridge to cross (or build) at that time. After the appointment, she reiterated the "black out" period of no contact and chose December 16 as the final date (ironically, the same day that snowboarding starts).

Of course I have mixed emotions about this. One is of surprise, as I was totally not expecting this turn of events. One is of hope, that finally things may be coming to an end. One is of grief, because my wedding day WAS the happiest day of my life, yet it also represents the most hellish day for someone else. And to think that all icons from that day will be destroyed... I guess part of my heart will go with it. Regardless, I'm working through the mosaic of these feelings, no really knowing which one dominates at any moment. I pray that this breakthrough is real, and that closure is just around the corner.

I find myself writing about Piper's book again. I still don't think that it's speaking to me much more than an interesting read. However, I was going through the latter chapters last night, and it was speaking about wartime lifestyle. It's a concept that I first learned while in the Perspectives course, but I guess reading it again spoke to me. Without going into the whole rhetoric of materialism, comfort lifestyles, and television (because I don't feel that I'm struggling with any of these), I did feel inspired to do something. What, yet, I don't know. But it was a significant enough of a prompting that I felt it necessary to journal it.

BY DEFAULT...

I'm currently reading John Piper's "Don't Waste Your Life". It's actually a book that I gave to a friend as a birthday gift, but has been "lent" to me to read. Catchy title by most marketing standards, and Piper is a good writer. However, as I read, I am having problems getting into it. Yes, he concludes that in order to not waste our lives, we need to live with one passion only, and that passion is to have Christ glorified in all we do. But I feel that as I'm reading, there seems to be some cynical reflex reaction. I find this reflex happening when people offer me encouragement or advice during my crisis. I think that it has to do with THE DEFAULT SITUATION. I understand (and certainly do not mean to trivialize or minimize the fact) that everyone has their own trials to deal with. But it is also so much easier to dole out advice (regardless of whether or not it was asked for) when the default situation is not so bad. At the end of the day, Piper has a loving wife to go home to, 3 children that have been raised in Christ, and I forget how many grandchildren. At the end of the day, he is serving God in a capacity which fully utilizes his talents AND he gets to write creatively. Piper aside, most people that I run into (particularly the community that I am currently plugged into) have decent default situations. The purpose of this observation is not to be judgemental or comparative or to create a pity party. It's more to paint a picture of how my "world" is and how much more challenging it is to find the genuine threads of hope and grace to hang on to make it through.

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU SIGH...

One doesn't have to look or observe hard to see or hear something which just makes you sigh. I was in a Christian bookstore a couple of nights ago, picking up a gift for a family friend. The line up to check out was short and there was only one other person in front of me. Being in such close proximity, I could hear the conversation between the customer and the cashier. The customer was picking up a couple of books. She had a coupon which provided 20% off. The cashier explained that the coupon could only apply to one item. The customer thought for a moment, and told the cashier that she didn't want one of the books. But before she finished the sentence, she indicated that her husband was waiting in the car. She said that he also wanted to purchase a book, and quickly whipped out her cell phone. A few minutes later, a man walked reluctantly into the store. You see, the discount could apply to separate purchases. Now, here's the kicker: while the cashier was ringing through the second discounted transaction, the female customer chimed "See, he is good for something!"

As a struggle through this period of hardship, I constantly wrestle with the ideas of abandonment, rejection, valuation, and loneliness. It's kind of dejecting as I try to crawl out of this when I see things like this around me - absolute abuse of that which I am aspiring to. First of all, it is a Christian bookstore, which kind of implies that you are probably of some strong faith to want to patronize here. So why make such a big deal over a discount something that is, what I view, a ministry - should we tithe minus 20%? But if that's not enough, to use the marriage as a tool of convenience to find a loop hole? And the last comment that the customer made really drove the nail home for me...

THE LAZINESS FACTOR

Is it possible to describe human tendency in terms of a mathematical formula? Apparently so. In a work-derived Lunch and Learn, the topic of discussion was Transfer Pricing. I understand some of the motivations behind determining the prices used when exchanging products or services within a company, especially when tax and bonus considerations are involved. But to view it as a replicable formula? I'm blown away. Either because it's amazing that there are people in this world who can conceptualize human behaviour as a set of mathematical rules OR because it trivializes human behaviour. There is even a coefficient measuring the adversity to effort that a manager may put in! A LAZINESS FACTOR!! Something that quantifies or even predicts the motivation (or demotivation) of a worker based on one of Newton's law (an object at rest...) Even a compensation coefficient is introduced (call it the GREED FACTOR). Ultimately, effort is put in is dependent on payback, and only with the least amount of effort...

I am currently the only one in my location to attend these session via conference call. Usually, there is a large group that meets out West and they will bridge me in through the telephone. The technical challenges that I've seen in the past in making this bridge work may have proved too much work for too little return. Because the strange irony today is that I was not bridged into the conference (and hence use this blocked off time to Blog)!

Wow! Long time no blog. That doesn't mean that I haven't been journaling, as that has been a major source of my healing up to this point. I guess I should keep both channels available because you can never really plan when thoughts or inspirations come. I can see that Blogspot has changed a bit too since I last visited (luckily, I remembered the login and password). Looks more user friendly, which will certainly encourage me to blog more.