THE FEAR OF MEETING JESUS

I just finished reading Greg Paul’s book, “God In The Alley”. While carrying on his work on the streets of TO, many times he feels ministered to because he ends up seeing Jesus in the people that he had set out to minister to in the first place. After all, it was Jesus who said:
'For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’
Kind of like this story: Dear Ruth

Actually, it's kind of scary if I think about it. The street person that I quickly dismiss or choose not to dialogue with could be the King, and yet because of selfish reasons, I ignore Him. It definitely puts a new perspective on how to treat people...

I attended the Attic this past Sunday. It was AMAZING! I don't know if it was because there were more people there because of Easter, but the place was just electrified. Never have I been in a setting where you can hear the congregation singing louder than the worship team ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT. This is especially cool because I know that they set the mix to be at rock concert levels. So, even though the music and voices on stage were blaring through the house system, I could still very audibly hear everyone around me singing. I closed my eyes and imagined that I was in Heaven, surrounded by angels who were praising at the top of their lungs!

THE GRACE TO ENDURE, A DAY AT A TIME

(written for March 23, 2005)
When I testify to the fact that God gives me enough grace (or strength/patience/will power – whatever), the last entry probably represents the absolute most minimum amount of grace that I could have received and still make it. Sometimes, I feel that there just isn't enough and giving up is the only option. Most of the last post was first penned on the back of 3 of my business cards (my Palm is still dead) as I sat waiting for a friend to arrive for dinner. It is interesting to see that I write more forcefully when using a pen than a keyboard. I was intent on sharing about the current stage of my marriage because this was one of the few friends who helped out extensively with the wedding but with whom I had not yet told. I felt a deep obligation, as it has been almost 4 years. Grace came, as it often does, in the form of encouraging words. I was reminded that it is quite possible that this whole thing is dragging out because I haven't been intensely focusing on it, unlike some of my family members who feel more urgency to finding a resolution. As well, my recent discovery of healing through serving others is not ungrounded. My friend's parents went through a drawn out divorce process and, in many ways, my friend wished that divorce came earlier than it had. It is refreshing to hear from someone who sees divorce as a healthy solution when all others attempts at reconciliation are exhausted.

Do I feel like this is the validation that I was yearning for the night before? No, but it was a response from God. As usual, in His twisted-sense-of-humour-kind-of-way, His response is always something that I would not have thought of. Kind of like a kid who replies to a question with a smart ass question. In this case, though, His response has made me think of something else. Am I able to be assertive, yet in loving grace that He has pre-purchased with His Son?

DESTROY COERCION THROUGH COERCION

(written for March 22, 2005)
For the first time, I am having strong doubts about my approach. I'm touched that my family has such a strong conviction for what's been happening, and their passionate desire for this to end and for me to move on. Am I that feeble minded not to see how this unfavorable situation is being dragged out for someone else's gain? Can someone be so diabolically selfish that their promises seem so genuine? I keep on thinking about what Jesus would have done in my situation, but I dismiss it quickly. He is such a good judge of character that He would have avoided this situation, methinks. Despite all the loving advice that I've received, telling me to end this painful situation, I have always felt like I'm taking the right approach: minimize (or even eliminate) damage in a world where there is already so much hurt. Any quick solution I choose now WILL result in broken relationships. Understandably, the argument could be made that in my trying to minimize hurt brought on to someone else, I end up bringing more damage to myself. So far, I feel like I've been given enough grace to endure. But I really had doubts last night. Am I just fooling myself? Is there NO OTHER WAY to get out of this? I begged for reassurance or validation, but got none. I really want to move on with my life, as I don't see any sign for a God-honouring marriage to come out of this. Is it just, after all, a test of assertiveness? Not a bad skill to have as it is the same fabric that is required for standing up to injustices and inflictions. But I've perpetually wrestled with the possible collateral damage with being assertive in this complex, human-relationship situation. I know for sure that THIS is the only reason why I'm not pushing back. But for how long?

Despite all the love and support that my community has surrounded me with, the newly discovered peace when serving others, I felt SO ALONE last night. If only I knew without a doubt that I'm doing the right thing or at the very least that my approach is what pleases God, I would be fine. There is nothing more piercing than wanting so bad to hear from God but what comes back is silence. I really wish that He would honour me, as I have been trying to honour Him.

GIFTS

(written for March 19, 2005)
I sat in a training session today as I've decided to help out with my church with setting up and tearing down. Since this church operates out of a public movie theatre, "the church" has to be assembled and dismantled each week before the first showing of Spongehead Bob or whatever movie the general public have come to see. The entire church fits into 3 large road cases and 2 smaller ones! Once packed up, they are rolled into a trailer and driven away to be stored offsite somewhere.

Although I had signed up for the set up/tear down team, they were also doing training for more sound people to try to fill a big need there. I haven't done much sound ministry for the past 3 years. I suddenly realized how much I missed sitting behind a mixer. More importantly, I felt guilty that the 12 months I spent studying this subject has been shelved. It was like getting asked by a close friend about a birthday gift that they had given to you a while back and whether you've been enjoying it still, when you know full well that you haven't seen it in ages. I extended this thought to all the other things that I've been "gifted" with, not necessarily all material, contemplating what else I've shelved.

I've got to stop thinking that I'm entitled to all the 'things' that I've been given stewardship over because that leads me to take it for granted, leaving it miscared for.

ALL IN

There is something to be said about the game of Texas Hold'em Poker. Looking beyond its almost sickening rise to popularity just from being shown on TV so much, it is as interesting a game of psychology as it is a game of chance. We played a round of this game at our small group retreat a couple weekends ago. Most people had already retired, but the three remaining people (of which two, coincidentally, were assigned to sleep in the room with the crib that was cradling the much-too-life-like doll; I know I was trying to tire myself out so that I would fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow) decided to play, seeing as someone had graciously brought some nicely weighted poker chips. Aside from understanding probability, there is a lot of showmanship and feigning in this game. Much can be discovered about someone by how they go about betting on a hand. The more conservative ones tend not to bet too much when they are unsure about their hand. Acquiescence can be as telling as engagement. I guess the better poker players are the ones who, firstly, have a second nature comprehension of odds, but an even more precise understanding of human nature. Combined, the chances of winning the hand increase significantly.

One common concept in the game is "all in", when someone puts up their entire collection of chips as the bet. I remember, as a kid, watching Saturday night Chinese movies where it was all too common for someone in the movie to bet their right hand! Chop Chop!! Not as drastic here, but pretty dramatic nonetheless. As in a business venture, the more you risk, the more you stand to gain (or lose). But, it can also be intimidating to the other players. Is it a bluff? Am I willing to risk losing that many chips to find out that he's not bluffing? But if I call the bluff and am right, I can stand to gain a whole wack of chips AND eliminate a competitor! What an interesting dilemma. Anyways, it was one such "all in" moment that saw my exit from the game as my bluff was called (never could hold a straight face). One of the other players was new at the game and played his chips rather conservatively. He ended up bowing out in another 15 minutes, but I remember the agony that he was going through. When you don't have the highest amount of chips, it's so hard to make any progress unless you have a really good hand. And even if a good hand should come by, the most you can do is double your chips, which might not even put a dent to the other person's wealth. Eventually, you still lose, but the journey to defeat is one of misery and torture. It was at the point that I realized that this was a good analogy to how life can be lived out. We WILL always have the lower chip count. Inevitably, your body grows old, deteriorates, you might get sick. At the end, you WILL hand over your last chip and you're done. That applies to everyone. So, you can choose a slow, drawn out excursion. You will win your odd hand here or there, but eventually you run out of chips (read: time). Or you can go "all in", risking everything. Even if you lose, there is comfort of knowing that you took the chance, you were not scared, and you were free from being held back by wanting to hang on to your chips. In the end, it's not necessarily about winning the game (because you can't) but how you depart the table. So, that's how I want to go out: ALL IN

Of course, this doesn't mean that I will live my life recklessly. That would imply taking unnecessary chances, treating people poorly and just being completely self-centred. No, it means living with a greater purpose, asserting yourself to strive for justice, be persistent in healing and reconciliation, and being centred around others, particularly those in need. Come to think of it, Jesus was pretty good at that. He had many chances to fold His hand, but stuck with it and went ALL IN.

ENTITLEMENT

I donned my swimming trunks for the first time in a very long while. I got in and started swimming the only way that I know how: front crawl. As someone who has had very little swimming instruction, I'm certain that my technique is not efficient and probably awkward to look at. After the second lap, I was gasping. I suspect that it had more to do with fear of drowning than being out of shape. Panic felt very close as I knew that if I were to gulp in water while taking a breath, I would freak out. Because of this mental anxiety block, I could not string together more than 2 lengths at a time. Being passed by a 70 year old grandfather did not bother me as I was more concerned about controlling my breathing despite my body's protest; I would have dreaded more having a life guard jump in and haul my sorry butt out! After laboring through another few lengths (even resigning to just using a flutter board near the end), I humbly exited the pool in defeat. I learned that the distance of one length of the pool is 25 metres. 750 metres is my goal; that's 30 lengths! Boy, I have a long way to go...

I discovered the term "Entitlement" this weekend. Since then, I've been thinking about this a lot. It explains many things, such as my disappointment reaction to how things have turned out in my life. It could be because of how I was raised, but probably more so from the society that I grew up in, that I feel it's reasonable to think that things should happen in a certain type of order. If I exert effort and invest time into something, a resulting consequence should occur. Of course, being selfish in nature, I expect these outcomes to be favorable. Disappointment occurs when much effort has been exerted, yet the outcome does not match my expectation, including when there is no resulting outcome. But this stems from my Entitlement mentality. If I feel that I am supposed to receive certain outcomes or that this causal model is suppose to be flawless, then all I end up doing is needlessly adopting disappointment and sadness. The natural inclination, then, is to turn to someone or something to attempt to correct this shortfall; perhaps if I pray hard enough to God, my expectations would then be made whole. But, when nothing changes after all the increased prayer, the disappointment remains, perhaps even greater since I had further added yet another unmet expectation: the expectation that if I prayed hard enough, things would change and get better. It is disappointment compounded. But where do I draw the line between an Entitlement perspective and apathy. I don't think God called me to be a pushover (although I think that this may be one of the reasons why my marriage was faulty to begin with) and to let others take advantage of me. At the same time, I can see how taking a firm stance in making sure that I am never disadvantaged by people is the same fuel that leads to selfishness and agression, often hindering any type of compassionate action or benevolence. If I'm too worried about being mugged by a homeless person or getting myself dirty by coming in close contact with him, I would NEVER be able to engage him in a meaningful relationship. In fact, isn't how I deal with my marital problems going to be a reflection of how strongly I hold on to my Entitlement mentality? Is the renouncing of my Entitlement a sign of strength or weakness?

MANIPULATION AND RECONCILIATION

There should be no manipulation in reconciliation. This relates the idea that when people are aware of their needs and good news is brought to them, the proclamation itself is the invitation; persuasion is not required. Consider a community that has been ravaged by drought is in desperate need of food. When I arrive and indicate that I have food, do I start by asking who would be interested in eating and then organizing them into an eating task force with its own membership rules and theologies? Likewise, the Good News of reconciliation is more effectively conveyed THROUGH activities of building and healing. People should see Jesus in what I do.

If my mom calls me and tells me that she is disappointed that I don't call her more often, that's all that she needs to say. She doesn't have to say that I should call her more often, "or else..." There's no guilt, no manipulation. Because I love her AND I know that my insensitivity causes her pain, I will change my actions. I don't think "well, I better suck up to her more so I can get my share of the inheritance". In fact, this thought is offensive, as it should be in any healthy relationship. It would be like saying "OK Mom, let me know what the bottom line is. How often do I have to call you in order for me to get my money when you die?" Likewise, my relationship with God should be the same way. It's not a about how much can I get away with AND still get into heaven. It's knowing that my actions cause Him to be disappointed, but because I love Him so much, I will desire to change. No manipulation required.

I got a call from Katherine earlier this week, pleading with me to go snowboarding with her this Friday. Knowing that Friday would be the end of the work week, and by the time I got back from Blue after a few hours of riding, it was going to make for a very long day. So, I indicated that I wasn't all that enthusiastic about the idea. She insisted and I thought that, at the very least, it would give me a chance to talk to her about our situation on the ride there and back. So I agreed. Turns out, the whole time up was spent trying to convince me to go with her to Calgary for her March Break. I have legitimate reasons for not wanting to go that I stuck by: I don't have any more vacation days that I can spare and I'm a little 'fatigued' from all the snowboarding that I've done already (planning another riding trip seems especially tedious at this point). She kept insisting that it was important that I go. I pressed this point further: important for the outcome of our relationship? important for her well being? She did not respond but went on to say that I was being selfish (i.e. not thinking of her when saying no) and why was it so easy for me to commit to short term missions, volunteering to be a home church leader, and even going on an overnight small group retreat? The guilt spears were coming fast and furious! I stood my ground firm, not out of spite, but I really could see clearly how she was trying to manipulate me. And I REALLY did not want to go. She literally threw a temper tantrum in the car. Thoughts of her grabbing the steering wheel and veering us onto the path of an oncoming truck on the single laned highway 26 crossed my mind, so I gripped the steering wheel harder. But of course, nothing happened, and the hour and a half "conversation" petered out as we arrived at the mountain. So much for wanting to talk about things that related to our current situation.