A NEW BLOG HAS BEEN BORN

I haven’t talked about it much on this blog, but I have shared with many people about my trip to New Zealand in July with Habitat. I’m getting excited about it. I’ve created a new blog just for this trip. I’m hoping that this will round up my triathlon and New Zealand experience. Thus, a new blog has been born! www.timinnz05.blogspot.com

In the next 7 weeks, I will be blitzing my community of friends and families with an email campaign to raise awareness and to raise support. The web site doesn't officially launch until May 1 as I'm still testing. But it's nearly done...

NEW REVELATION TO AN OLD VERSE

I am constantly surprised (even though I shouldn't be) by the revelations or "eureka moments" that I have while listening to the sermons on Sundays. A follow up to the last 2 weeks' well attended series "Decoding The DaVinci Code" was presented, focusing on the life and teachings of Jesus. One such startling moment happened near the end of service today, as things were just about to wrap. A question about what the "right" secret truths to believe in are was being addressed. Paul reveals a secret truth in Philippians 4:12-13. Verse 13 is one of those oft-quoted verses that Christians cite when sending a written card or when they sign someone's summer camp handbook. I always thought that it made people seem so spiritual because it was a wisdom verse that could apply to any situation, especially when things go wrong. Basically, Paul is saying that he knows what it is like to be in need and plenty and that he has learned the secret to be content in every situation. He then shares the secret truth: I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. When read in context, he is saying that by learning about Christ's life and applying His teachings, one will learn contentment. Jesus' teachings recalibrates our perspective of what's most important. Living in prosperity or need can be distracting, directly or indirectly causing us to live like you don't need God. Verse 13 should be interpreted as "He gives me the strength to focus on Him SO that I can find contentment."

At the end of second year at Queen's I decided to do something special for Katherine. Our friendship had grown quite close and it seemed quite sentimental that we'd be departing, going back to our respective home towns (Richmond Hill, Mississauga). So, I went and got 2 matching silver rings. The idea was to present these rings as a gesture of our continued friendship over the summer, after singing her a ballad that I had also written for her. I had the rings engraved on the inside of the band. Ironically, I had engraved "Phil 4:13". (I seem to recall that she never did wear that ring...)

PRIDE BEFORE A FALL BEFORE PRIDE

Having just completed climbing the CN Tower, I was feeling good because my time was a little faster than the first time I did it. I was jogging back to the condo to get ready for a wedding that I had been invited to. At one point, I was musefully thinking how all the triathlon training has gotten me in SUCH good shape, when all of a sudden I stepped on a patch of mud. Before I knew it, I was tumbling to the concrete pavement. Despite it not even registering with me that I had just fallen flat on my butt, I bolted back up, desperately hoping that no one saw me fall. It wasn't until I got to the condo and into the shower that I looked down to see a mess of caked mud and blood! I managed to scrape the entire side of my left lower leg, but just superficially. Now I'm sporting the constant reminder of how pride can be a distraction with annoying consequences. I'm also reminded that usually when I injure myself, it's the unlikely smaller things that cause it (like being put in the hospital by getting a badminton shuttlecock in the eye, getting a concussion from indoor volleyball, fracturing my ankle while jumping my bike off a maintenance hole cover, losing a tooth from a baseball that bounced off the pavement). Though I'm a little older and have better control of my coordination, I'm still a klutz...

NOT AGAIN!

An hour and a half after arriving early at church to help set up, I found myself sitting in an empty auditorium listening to the worship team go through its final sound check, as my team had just put up all the equipment. A member of the leadership team sat down beside me and we chatted for a bit. He suggested that, given my current circumstances, it may not be a good idea for me to take on leadership of the home church group that I’ve been training for, just yet. Understandably, I still have not resolved my marital problems and, depending on how it is resolved, it may prove to be as likely a source of encouragement as it is a stumbling block. When placed into a leadership position, you tend to have a higher requirement of accountability. Of course, I felt disappointed inside, as it seems like it took me so long to realize that service doesn't just happen when life is perfect. In fact, some of the most effective servants are those who are serving gladheartedly AND carrying their own heavy load as well. This has rung so true with me in the past few months as I have discovered a comforting peace through serving others. I was looking forward to the challenge of bearing the responsibility of leadership. I felt, once again, a door to ministry was shut because my situation persists, like a foul odor I can’t shake. It’s frustrating because I know I have the choice of quickly ending this thing that is preventing me from leading right now, yet doing so might also cost me being able to lead in the future. As I was pondering this (more like pitying myself), one of my teammates sat down with me. He was sharing about how he wanted to get into the funeral home business, quite a change from his current job as a foot courier. He explained that ever since his wife passed away less than 2 years ago, he has developed a unique appreciation for death. Wow! It really blew me away because he is around the same age as I. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain the he has had to grapple with. Once again, I was reminded of how much pain there is around me and that I can become so blinded when I focus on my own trivial matters. It dawned on me that I could still serve in the home church ministry, just not under the distinction of a title. This is just as well as I know that having to attend administrative meetings always accompanies titles. In fact, I’m encouraged to see that the Meeting House is more concerned about how one develops spiritual maturity through a bad situation and not necessarily on the bad situation itself. If anything, it was a gentle reminder to me that I can’t use ministry as an excuse to sweep something under the carpet. In fact, I’m starting to see HOW I resolve things with Katherine as a ministry in itself. So, right now, I actually feel more hopeful that I do disappointment. Again, it’s all about how you frame it.

I stumbled across some random thoughts that I had scribbled down in my work journal. It’s not dated, but I seem to recall having written these near when I first started using that log, whose original entry was May 12, 2004. So, here were some of my thoughts from May of last year:
Why would you think that the God of ‘should be’ couldn’t be the God of ‘should not be’? Maybe a crisis in life is a way of telling someone that they are not where they should be. Being human means having the ability to choose your own destiny, but if you are an anomaly, any choice you make is inherently anomalous. If I am not to have children, then let me live out the life of 3 or 4 generations. Satan buries his talons into my soul, and I am disoriented as I try to shake free; finally, maybe because he grows tired or bored, he releases me. What kind of sacrifice is it if the cross I am to bear is a light one? If the only things that I had to forsake were things which I could have done away with anyways, how is that commitment? How is that showing true love?

GREETINGS FROM EDMONTON!

This is pretty cool. I'm sitting in the Crown Plaza Chateau Lacombe hotel in downtown Edmonton. I'm here for a 2 day leader's orientation with my company. The hotel is completely wi-fi. Did some exploring before it got too late and found this really cool set of wooden stairs that snakes behind the hotel. It'll be my workout tomorrow morning!

Last night I attended a triathlon clinic for newbies. I had just come from the gym and was running a little behind time, so I didn't have a chance to grab dinner. Man, how embarrassing it would be to pass out from hunger in public, but I took my chances. When I walk in, guess what I see? A dude from Powerbar who had set up a table with give aways. And in the goods bag that we all received? A bottle of water. Max w00t! (as you can tell, it doesn't take much to get me excited!)

VALIDATION RECEIVED (AMONG OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS)

I started running outside again now that the weather is nicer. I saw an old man running the other day. Typically not an unusual sight except that he was running with a cane! How sic is that?! If I'm his age and am still into running (I'm guessing my knees will be made of titanium or something), I hope I have the same determination! On another run, I passed an elderly lady who was leading a younger lady by the arm, her daughter or granddaughter perhaps. What struck me was both of them were carrying red tipped white walking canes used by the visually impaired. I've used the cliche "the blind leading the blind" so many times, but I've never seen it! It was quite touching, actually.

I went to the annual Missionfest conference, held this year at Queensway Cathedral instead of the Metro Toronto Convention Centre, hoping that I would be able to talk to exhibitors about international development opportunities. "Turned off" might be too strong of a description, but it wouldn't be that far off in terms of accuracy. It was very crowded as I was barely able to squeeze by people who had stopped at the different booths. As I circled each of the exhibits, all I heard was "enter in this free draw for a t-shirt", "fill out a ballot here", "buy this CD - it was put together by people who used to be on drugs"! The number of Christian organizations there promoting their businesses (software, education centres, directories, books, etc.) outnumbered the missionary agencies. Of the agencies that I did see, I didn't see any that were involved in micro economic development or other forms of sustainable development. It was quite disorganized and disappointing.

In my society of creature comforts, there are service providers for everything. Thus, when something breaks or doesn't work, it's not too difficult to find someone who is willing to take your money to fix it. Yet, I find most of those around me settle for this, as if the right to be lazy has been hard earned. Having started to master the art of changing the oil in my car, I came across another "challenge" recently: a burned out headlight. After consulting with a knowledgeable colleague and the car's owner manual, I decided to learn a new task. As with anything that I haven't done before, it was quite a time consuming challenge. After struggling with the most insignificant of parts (it's a $5 metal retainer clip that holds the bulb in place that needs to be wrestled back in place before the system will work), I finally finished the task. You cannot imagine the grin on my face when I flicked on the car's lighting system and saw these babies glow to life!

I had the somewhat awkward occurrence of recently meeting people in person whose blogs I've been reading. Then, they tell you a story that they've shared on their blog and you want to engage excitedly in dialogue but you bite your tongue because they don't necessarily know that you've been reading their blog. Man, I feel like a voyeur, spying in on their lives without their knowing. I guess the same could apply to me as well. Hmm. Oddly, some people seem 'larger than life' on their blogs than in real life.

Had lunch with one of the senior leadership members at the North Toronto regional site of The Meeting House. They are thinking of asking me to co-lead one of the Home Church groups in Scarborough. I shared about my current marital struggles. It actually didn't occur to me that I should have shared this earlier, prior to me accepting the invitation to attend their leaders training. Not that I have ever felt that The Meeting House governs with the same black-white yardstick that I've felt from other conservative churches. In fact, it was BECAUSE they have such an open arm policy of acceptance that I have continued to attend. But, there are always considerations when putting yourself in a position of leadership, where the impacts of being a stumbling block are more inherent. However, this leader supported me and even suggested that we should continue to meet and perhaps along with the teaching pastor, Bruxy Cavey, to go through this journey with discernment leadership. Come to think of it, I haven't had any discernment leadership guiding me in the past 4 years. Even though I've visited with various cousellors (marriage or otherwise) and church leaders, none has been able to support beyond the typical enumerated pat answers and obvious scripture references. But I believe that this is due to the fact that none of them have had to wrestle with this first hand. This leader then went on to share with me that they, too, had gone through divorce. I value the support that I have received so far from family and friends, but to be supported by someone who has treaded in the same "deep waters" has been very rare. Some very good points about "breaking the covenant" and how that might affect effective spiritual leadership were raised, and thus discernment leadership was important in this final leg of the journey. It then struck me that perhaps why resolution has not happened yet may have been a form of God's hand protecting me. I may have inadvertently jeopardized any future opportunity to be placed in positions of leadership if I had acted on the impulses that I have had so many times in the past to quickly end this impasse. I can't even begin to imagine the regret and grief I would feel if I made that realization AFTER the fact. And now, I have found a support channel of people who have gone through this, seem to understand the complexity of the situation AND are willing to walk with me! God is alive!!

Many thanks to my friend D. who was able to get a hold of a new Palm M500 to replace my recently retired one. No more double booking. w00t!

TRUE PEACE TESTED

I feel like this new found peace was put to its first major test last night. I had dinner with Katherine, with the hope of discussing the next steps in resolving our current impasse. Once again, I quickly found myself on the defensive, as she displayed her knack for picking on statements that I make and then manipulating them in defense of her own position. I find that in dialoguing with her, I often feel like the one that is victimizing her and I'm often left scratching my head, thinking how bad of a person I am. However, last night was a little different. It's amazing how this 'peace' almost spoke to me, to let go of the conversation, not be antagonistic, and to pray throughout the night. I felt the burden of having to defend my "case" lifted and openly allowed the Spirit to use my voice to speak.

She claims to have made great strides in her own personal journey, as she is NOW willing to "work" on the marriage (as opposed to desperately searching for a way out). When I asked her what that might look like, she immediately scolded me for focusing on the practical, worldly things. Instead, I should recognize the spiritual significance of this realization of her's. Certainly, as she admitted, it will not mean that immediately she would espouse me in the same way that most married couples feel towards each other. That might take time and there's a chance that that level of intimacy may never be reached.

I shared with her this newfound peace that I've discovered lately through service. She was quick to remind me that early in our relationship, service was always in conflict with the relationship. She recalled in our first year at Queen's, the number of "arguments" (I use quotes here because she would usually get her way in the end; this defeats the spirit of discussing the 2 sides of choice when the outcome is pre-determined) that we would get into because certain ministry commitments would interfere with socializing. She was surprised and disappointed that the very first thing that I shared about last night was my passion for serving. She said that this has always been a fact and it's not anything new (she's always been keen on new revelations, particularly if it somehow relieves her of her current struggles).

Just to test the waters, I responded to her question of what the next step is. I told her that I believed how important it was, even if we committed to trying to make this "work", that there needs to be a definitive conclusion of our current marriage. Because it was entered into with such illegitimacy and there is obviously a lot of baggage that has accumulated because of it, having a break would be beneficial for any new start to begin. She immediately resisted this idea. Under the assumption that retrying to make the marriage "work" is going to be lasting, she did not want to have to go through a wedding again (once again, she labeled June 30, 2001 "Hell", "the worst day of her life"). Once more, she is insisting on having the existing marriage label grandfather over to any new relationship that ensues. This discussion carried on for another 15 minutes or so and I found myself getting defensive. However, I was reminded again to let go of it and I backed down (in terms of my tone; my position still remained gracefully solid). I tested the waters again. Assume that we have decided to make this "work" (and avoid the whole annulment/divorce thing as she desires), another plan is to move back together right away, as it is obvious that the current living arrangements (her at her parents', me at mine) are taking a toll on both of us. I shared with her my recent thoughts about living in the community that I'm serving in. I'm just about to complete my small group leader training with the goal of being handed over co-leadership of a small group that meets in Scarborough. I could tell by her body language that Scarborough is not a place she has ever considered living in. I also mentioned to her that I had thought about renting because I wasn't sure what my plans are for the next few years. I want overseas service to be a feasible option and home ownership here might hinder that. She immediately objected, saying that renting is just like throwing money away. She believes that we should start house hunting! What?! I don't know why, but I had a really sick feeling in my stomach, recalling the tortuous experience I went through in sourcing and eventually purchasing the condo downtown. Once again, I backed down, allowing the Spirit to dictate my words and demeanor.

I don't believe in playing games when having a sincere conversation with someone, so "testing the waters" was a little uncomfortable. But I needed to know what she had in mind when claiming to want to make this "work". Once again, I see someone who is so frightened of being alone that they are willing to abuse a relationship. Never once did she mention love or support. She even stated that she wants to adopt, but never mentioned about having a family with me.

Normally, after such a long and intense conversation, I would be exhausted and all beaten up. That usually happens because I'm trying so hard to defend myself, often struggling to remember what my original position was. I would feel so unvalued and imprisoned. But this time it was different. The 'peace' prevailed and I felt fine afterwards. Normally, I would also be very discouraged because I would have felt like the conversation didn't go anywhere in terms of resolving this terrible situation. In fact, having to write it all down means living through it again, so I would have pitter-pattered with this blog, probably taking a whole week to post. But, again, the 'peace' prevailed. I have concluded that no amount of coaxing from me, our friends, or even any of the spiritual mentors that she claims to revere will solve this. It will take something drastic that is initiated by God. I'm not hoping for an even worse tragedy to occur. Instead, I've resigned to the fact that this is such a complicated issue that it nearly demands divine intervention to resolve. Having said that, I'm not absolving my resposibilities here. In fact, I perceive a great threat to expansion of God's Kingdom. I believe that this kingdom is in the present and is fulfilled through the healing and reconciliation of the suffering of this world: it's people and Creation. I cannot imagine how a continued relationship with Katherine will further that. Instead, I can only see the relationship hindering this, as indicated even by how she responded to some of my ideas. Things will HAVE to change. Perhaps it is the revalation of His timing that is the divine inspiration that I'm anticipating.

TRUE PEACE

The past week was a typical, busy week. However, I now realize that I have acquired some underlying sense of peace and renewal. I'm not dismissing the ongoing undercurrent of my failed marriage; it's still there. But it seems like my main focus isn't on that. Perhaps it was experiencing true community along with the joys of serving others. A brief recap of events over the past week:

Handing out hot chocolate to street people on a cold night - how amazing it was that all the change I had in my glove compartments bought exactly 4 hot chocolates from Timmy's. It was pretty cold; even the usually energetic panhandlers were slumped up against the ACC in discouragement, beaten by indifference and the weather.

Dinner with a friend who shared with me real life in Cuba - how sad it is that most people that visit there don't see the real culture of this beautiful people: their amazing sense of family and community! True joy in a life of simplicity. Relationships that are transparent. A reminder that the creature comforts of our North American society have made us a cold people.

Habitat For Humanity 101 - learned about the desperate and discouraging housing situation that exists in TO. The number flew by me, but I think I heard that there are 60,000 families that are on a waiting list for social housing. Often times, the city refers these people to Habitat. It's so easy for this disparity to get hidden because, for reasons related to the weather, we don't often see tarp-covered huts. But many families are living in places (well hidden from public view) that are well below humane levels.

Brief chat with Lynn afterwards - her enthusiasm and passion for serving is so contagious. She just came back from Africa doing a Global Village build and will be going again this summer. In the morning, she goes for a walk and collects pop cans for Habitat. She also serves with me on the Faith Relations committee. She likes it, but feels that it's a little too administrative, and would prefer it to be more personal, with more sharing of our experiences.
Dinner with my sister and her husband at Cafe Margaux - nice food, nice wine, nice conversation. It's awesome seeing how things are developing in my sister's law career. Got "slept" on by their Yellow lab Nina afterwards, but I think that it was just her way of thanking me for bringing her a new stash of Wilson US Open tennis balls!

Hiking at Kelso - with winds howling at 40 km/h and an evil mixture of rain/snow pelting down on us, one would think that we were crazy for going on a hike. But the moment we got under the cover of the trees, it was like being in a different world! The diffused wind became a gentle breeze. I didn't even notice the snow or rain coming down, except for the occasional snow pile that was knocked off a tree branch and splatted on my head. At one point, I saw a few naked trees swaying in unison with the wind. I thought that the trees were having worship! I, too, had my own quite worship, taking in the beauty of creation.

Sunday's message on the groaning of creation - never realized it, but Paul's letter to the Romans mentions how creation is like a cheerleader, groaning for us as we continue to reach our full potential. In fact, I believe that God will not return until reconciliation has been achieved: both of people AND of creation. It just reminded me of how much we have abused creation and that there is so much work to do!

Somewhere in all of this, a hand was gently comforting me, giving me much need spiritual first aid. Perhaps my idea of healing equated with the resolution of a crisis. Maybe that not how it's supposed to be. Perhaps healing is the consoling and comforting that comes when you realize that you can't think your way to it, or buy it, or manipulate it, or even demand it. It comes when you resign to the fact that being self-centred doesn't solve anything.