REVELATION THROUGH WORSHIP

I attended The Attic last night, a praise and worship night put on by The Meeting House the last Sunday of each month. Wow. I was reminded that the human voice was not created for talking, despite how good we’ve become at wielding it, but for the sole purpose of praising. There is something very precise, almost mathematical, that occurs when voices and instruments come together in complex harmonies and rhythms. My body was literally quivering when all these things intersected together so intensely. Yet, it had nothing to do with the band, because it was not the tightest band that I’ve heard before, nor was the mix anything special. Time stopped and it was just Him and I; all the other musical elements were serving as the perfect backdrop. I couldn’t help but bellow out in praise. My voice is still hoarse even now. Even though a hoarse voice can result from screaming at the top of my voice, experiencing true worship seems to only be achieved through in intentional aiming of physical, emotional, and spiritual desire.

Why do I automatically assume that a homeless person is needy? I think I’m guilty of perceiving the homeless person according to what I have or am used to. Based on this comparison, I conclude that since the homeless person doesn’t possess what I have (e.g. a home, clean clothes, a car) that I am, by default, in a higher position to change this person’s current situation. What is lacking is dialogue, it being replaced by a condescending mentality (“Let ME help YOU”). When, in fact, I may be the one that is MORE in need: the need to be emancipated from my slavery to materialism, debt, and the need for social acceptance. So, I give the homeless person a loony. Or a granola bar. Or a sandwich and juice box once a month. I can easily find ways to sweep aside the shocking truth that I am the one in need. Because I can, I buy my way out of this uncomfortable situation, as I’ve been taught by my society to respond to all uncomfortable situations. Or I decide to put on my combat gear to ‘evangelize’ this person. It must be because this person hasn’t accepted Jesus that has put him in this situation, right? Hey, once he becomes a Christian, he will be redeemed from his life of dirtiness, spite and poverty. Instead, I can proudly usher him into a life of rhetoric, church politics, and puff. Mmmm. Interesting how a spending some meaningful time with God can really open your eyes.

WHO IS MY NEIGHBOR?

This has not been a very good technology week for me. I have concluded that a very unique paradigm shift has occurred. My mom literally freaked out this week because her Internet service was down. Of course, she didn't blame me for this disruption. But her frustration with how long service restoration was taking made me feel really guilty, like I wasn't hounding the tech support guys enough. Then, my Palm dies on me. I live and die by my PDA and now feel so, umm, vulnerable, with it not functioning. I still carry it around, but it now it's not more than just a paper weight that I treat like a security blanket. When did everyone, including my Luddite mother, become so dependent on technology?

I'm in the middle of a 6 week "final trial period" that was suggested by the counselor. Instead of having zero contact with Katherine, the idea, now, is to schedule "dates", intentional one-on-one meetings meant to allow for dialogue, specifically about our future together. It is important to approach this with an open heart, to leave behind any biases or prejudices that may have already been inventoried. At the end, we must acknowledge that God has provided guidance. If these unhindered interactions lead to the mutual feeling that this marriage has a chance to be preserved, then it is clear that it should be worked on. If not, it is then mutually agreed that it should end. I believe that mutual arrival is what would be pleasing to Him, mitigating the emotional collateral damage usually found in more common marital dissolutions. The conversations have thus far been good, albeit shallow. We've talked without being harshly critical or hostile; I can say that she's actually been pleasant towards me. Is this enough to support preserving the marriage? I believe the criteria to go by is "iron sharpening iron". Will the person that I invest my (borrowed) life into be able to challenge me, sharpen me to help me reach my potential? I'm certain that a marriage can occur between two people who are "nice" or cordial to one another. But, to me, it's no longer about companionship or procreation. I feel like I'm being called to contribute to a larger healing cause. Thus, it has to be a partnership where this calling is strengthened and magnified. I am encouraged by some of her recent sharings that indicate a change of attitude from before: the fact that she prays for each of her special education students every day, her realization that our situation has to be resolved, her acknowledging that God doesn't have to answer only in a supernatural way, her dedication for wanting to complete her training in seminary and make a career change. I care for her as a spiritual sibling, and if there is something that I can do to NOT trip her up, I am committed to it. Maybe that explains why I've been "dragging my feet". I've always believed that God has provided me (and will continue to do so) with sufficient grace to get through this (even if it's a day's ration at a time). I've come to realize that grace is not this anesthetic numbness given to shield me from grief. Instead, it comes in the form of encouragement from my inner community, those that are praying for me and keeping me accountable, AS I GREIVE. It also comes in the form of an opportunity to be a blessing to others. I believe that my worship to God (particularly when there's pain in the offering) will be what heals me. Yes, I've been wounded and will probably be scarred forever, but it has made me a stronger servant.

Some struggles are good to go through, because it is a form of course correction. Recently, I have realized that I have been living most of my life being self-centred. Of course, I haven't gone around actively pursuing a life of vanity and pleasure. Or have I? Even the slightest ounce of comfort that I have chosen probably came at the sacrifice of helping to correct the imbalance of justice in this world, whether or not I intended to do so. Perhaps, most of society that I have lived in has been lulled into a materialistic coma where even those with the capability to make a difference are blinded from the pain in the world. The shroud of comfort is an effective strategy to derail any healing efforts by taking advantage of human nature's aversion to discomfort. OK. Now that I make this realization, how do I live? I am more aware of how easily I can blunder an opportunity, or just how inadequately prepared/committed I am. I start by constantly trying to remind myself that "there are always opportunities", as the chance to serve others doesn't often choose the most convenient of times to present itself. So do I choose to engage in EVERY chance that is available, because there certainly is no shortage when one looks? With limited resources of time and money, and without compromising my commitments to other people or programs, should I develop a selection process? In serving one cause, I may be disserving another. In the story of the Good Samaritan, it was the most unlikely of people that stepped up to help in the end. What if, instead of a priest, it was a small group leader (to put it in today's context) that was the first person who passed by? In this case, it wasn't someone who was robbed and beaten, but someone who doesn't speak the native language very well who is seeking directions. This small group leader in on his way to a meeting, and has spent time preparing a meaningful Bible study or was in charge of cooking the meal for the group. Whatever, he had made a commitment and people are depending on him. I can see how it would be easy to justify not stopping to assist (thinking that someone else will stop by to help). It wasn't out of prejudice, being a bad person, or discomfort (for this person just finished doing a sandwich run for the homeless the night before!). But it was his choice of fulfilling an act of service that would impact a greater number of people. It is a dilemma that must be wrestled with, ESPECIALLY by those who are choosing a servant mentality. The truth is that there is SO much work out there and it is absolutely impossible to take it all on. I wonder what reasoning Mother Teresa or Gandhi used when faced with such dilemmas. Am I right in thinking that, just like in business, there needs to be a disciplined acumen when planning to serve? I guess that the danger is to not get caught up in the analysis, but to use it as a guidance tool. I'm sure that Jesus could have taught and healed all day and all night. But He understood the limitations of His physical body (resources) and chose to "not serve" at times. Short sprint or long marathon, I guess.

HIS CREATION, MY RECREATION

I am reminded once again of how flat Ontario is, having spent a weekend riding on the White Mountains in Franconia, New Hampshire. I did not realize that I was surrounded by such a magnificent canyon of tall mountain peaks until I stepped outside of the cabin the next morning, since we had arrived during the previous night. It was the first weekend of significant snowfall, so the place was abuzz with many Bostonians who made their way up for some fresh powder. Cannon Mountain has the same vertical drop as Jay Peak, so I was excited about the prospect of long runs as memories from last year rushed back. I was not disappointed! The chairlift ride to the peak was very pleasant (last year at Jay, riding up to the peak on a chairlift meant sitting with your head buried deep in your arms to keep the sharp wind out). Then, it was a series of hairpin turns and winding slopes as you made your way down through a series of black and blue trails. Because of the lack of snow that was received this year, there were areas near the top where the snow had blown away, leaving thick sheets of ice! As well, because some of the trails were not groomed, they were pimpled with moguls, which made for some exciting (albeit unintentional) jumps! You know the trails are long when your legs are burning by the time you get to the bottom.

I absolutely appreciated the fact that this mountain was not geared towards tourists. When I was in Tremblant, it seemed like everyone there was trying to grab at your money. Here, the feeling was completely different. In the cafeteria, they actually have places set aside for those who had brown bagged it. They have staff that greet you as you first enter the park; in fact, Saturday was their Mardi Gras day, so they were handing out bead necklaces (although I do wonder about the safety of this as I saw a few kids zooming down with these necklaces dangling close to the ground). I did notice, though, that most people there ski and there were very few snowboarders. In fact, I sense some disdain towards snowboarders: I don't know why skiers like to buzz right by us and then scold us if we happen to cut them off! Oh well, road rage can happen anywhere!

Mainly, I enjoyed being outdoors in Creation. Then I thought about how closely the word "creation" is to "recreation". Ironic that recreation means to restore or refresh, and that what I consider recreation (as in snowboarding) can only be facilitated by the "modification" of creation. I'm certain that at some point, those winding trails that I was blazing down used to be home to some trees (probably tall ones, just like the ones that remain). Where did they go? Where did the animals and bugs who used to live in the trees go? Seems to me that something had to be destroyed in order for me to be refreshed/restored. I think that's one of the reasons why I'm so drawn to glades, although the idea of blazing down a mountain IN BETWEEN trees seems pretty crazy/reckless. It is often more peaceful in the glades, as there is less human traffic (refer to the comment about crazy!). The snow is usually more virgin: basically it's the natural stuff that gets blown into here and remains ungroomed because the machines can't get in. It also requires more skills, as one has to maneuver fairly quickly to avoid a head on collision with a tree. I had the chance to sit in a glade with my friend Samson. He had with him one of these snack kits that contained canned salmon with capers and crackers. So, we had "tea time" in the glades. It was so peaceful sitting back on a mound of fresh snow, admiring the view while crunching on our snacks! That was truly recreation!

BABY GOT BOOK!

Our small group was recently tripping out on a healthy dose of nostalgia, talking about things like Beaver Canoe, G-Force, and Nerds candy. I recently came across this video which is a twist on a piece of pop culture from yester years, which people may or may not find it funny... [link]

LONELINESS

The issue of singleness has been shared with me in the past week by a few different people. It reminds me that humans were not created to be alone, and the struggle with loneliness is deep and painful. Too bad we can't just pray to God to cause us to fall into a deep sleep and have Him remove a rib, which He can then use to form a mate! Here's a response that I gave to an email I received (the value of archiving here is to remind me in the future of how I deal with the issues of loneliness right now):

"Thanks so much for your prayers and for your sharing. It is very encouraging to me, especially knowing that you are understanding some of my struggles. Sometimes I think that God allows us to struggle because we often seek help and comfort from those in our community. Imagine life was perfect for everyone? We would probably be very superficial/anti-social!

Thank you for sharing your struggles with singleness with me. I can imagine how sharp it is for you when dealing with the pains of loneliness. Part of the DNA that God created us with is the desire to be loved and the reciprocating capacity to show love. It certainly doesn't help when we're surrounded by a culture that highly encourages (almost to the point of demanding) people to get married and then to have children. It's probably some instinctual trait that helps keep the earth populated. It's been very hard for me, in the past 3 years, to attend wedding services. Particularly when listening to the exhortation given by the minister to the marrying couple. After a while, it all sounds the same: the definition of commitment, the probable struggles ahead, and how critical it is have the marriage centred around God. Most times, I respond with deep cynicism, because even though I went into my own marriage ensuring that all these pillars were well grounded, my marriage failed. Certainly, I'm very happy for the couple and wish them the very best. It just seems that I've learned a lesson about how harsh reality can be, and that no amount of rose-coloured ideology can shelter someone (even someone who considers himself a faithful Christ follower) from it. I find myself easily falling into a spiral of self-pity and bitter indignation. Even worse, I feel so hopeless because I can't see any possibility of getting into a relationship with anyone, given the fact that I'm still "technically" married yet feeling very lonely (plus having to deal with my own perceived stigma of one day being a divorcee). I actually envy those who ARE single and have a much better chance of getting into a relationship than I do!

I think that the turning point came about 4 months ago. It was near the end of one of the most wedding-filled summers of my life (including being on the wedding parties for 2 of them), so I had no lack of opportunity to feel the things I just mentioned. To top it off, things between Katherine and I hadn't changed, so hopelessness became a best friend. Then, it started becoming clear to me (because, in my life, God never reveals things to me by way of notes attached to bricks falling from the sky! It's always a slow, step by step revelation). The more I focused on my own pain, the less I saw of the world's pain. If I truly claimed to be a follower of Christ, I had to know the heart of the Father. And I know that, although it grieves Him because of my situation with Katherine, it grieved Him a whole lot more because of all the (needless) suffering in this world. I discovered that, when serving Him out of compassion to those that are marginalized or neglected, I felt a sense of relief to my own situation, even though it seems that the two are unrelated. Yet they are. Because every time I found myself focusing on my marital woes, an opportunity to serve would come up that I would miss, and I would end up kicking myself afterwards for being so selfish. It's becoming pretty clear to me that my life is to be spent serving Him in the area of compassion, particularly for those in lesser developed parts of the world. I have already started knocking on doors, but nothing has opened yet. I think that God is a pretty detailed oriented deity, and the message that I'm getting is that I need to tie up loose ends here (such as with my marriage and any outstanding debts that I have) before the door for long term service will be opened. That has given me a short term purpose/goal, which in turn gives me a refreshing hope, something that I haven't felt in a long time. And I realized that those same God-planted attributes of loving others and wanting to be loved that are causing me sorrow, are also the same attributes that will allow me to serve in compassion for those who are hurt in this world. They can't be separated for selective applications. It's instinctual for us to try to fulfill these longings, it just depends on how you do it, be it through full time service to a family or full time service to a group of people. Either way, you can still be blessed through it. Perhaps much of what we expect of ourselves and how our lives are supposed to turn out has been shaped by how we were raised and the environment that we grew up in. It may not always match up to God's perspectives, and I think that this is one of the benefits (without devaluing the strife of martial breakdowns or singleness) of having to struggle.

I also realize that complex human-relationship issues take time to work out. I wish that I could be sharing these things with you in retrospect, but I know that I'm still in the thick of things, and that it may still be a while before things are finally resolved. But I made a promise to God that, if He gave me enough grace to get through this (even if it's just a day's ration at a time), I would honour Him by persevering through it without causing more grief in this world (even though it's not of popular opinion to do so)..."

OMNISCIENT DEFINED

I got this through email today:

“But She’s Okay Now!”by John Fischer

Instant healing, that’s what my friend said I performed. Of course he was just kidding, but that’s what it seemed like to him.
We were talking on the phone and I realized I hadn’t told him that a co-worker of mine, someone he knew casually, had been undergoing a 9-month bout with cancer. Ironically, however, I had also just heard days before that after numerous chemo treatments, she had been proclaimed clear of cancer. (All visible signs of the cancer that had infiltrated several areas of her body, including her bone marrow, were completely gone.) I hadn’t really figured out how to talk about this to someone who wasn’t aware of her ordeal at all, so it came out rather oddly.

Something like: “I don’t think I ever told you that Sheryl has been fighting cancer for some time now.”

“Oh, no. I’m so sorry to hear that.” I could sense his emotions starting to wrap around this reality, so as to not have him to go too far with unnecessary sympathies, I quickly interjected, "But she’s okay now!” There was a pause. “Wow, that was the quickest healing I’ve ever heard of,” he said laughing. “John,” he went on, “you just healed someone right in front of me!” We enjoyed a good laugh over this, but later I got to thinking, there’s something to learn here. In a way, you could say my friend got the God’s eye view of Sheryl’s suffering. Sheryl’s view was quite different. She got the day to day assault on her body with anti-cancer treatment and all it’s resulting consequences, and she got the day to day uncertainty as to whether any of this was going to do any good. Now this, too, was God’s view, because through the Holy Spirit, He goes through every step of our pain with us. The Holy Spirit even prays for us in groans we cannot even utter (Romans 8:26)! But God also has this other view: “But she’s okay now!” He knew that all along. From God’s point of view our struggles are over that fast. He knows what He’s doing. He knows why things happen, even if we never do. He has His purposes, and that’s what faith is all about: believing this when we’re stuck in the long haul. All along the way God knows the outcome. And I suppose there is a way you could say this was true for all of us who put our trust in God for whatever we are going through, and whatever the outcome, including even death itself. God sees it completed. His healing is instant. His comment is always going to be the same: “But she’s okay now!”

ANTI-SOCIAL TENDENCIES

I was asked to pray for Linda Skinner today, whom I met last week at home church. What strikes me about Russ and Linda Skinner is that, despite the hardships that each member of their family has endured, they have remained faithful to God. It's such an encouragement to me to see people who are shouldering such heavy loads to continue serving God without hesitation. Linda had surgery today, a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy for a recently-diagnosed small cancerous tumour in her right breast. So, I felt priviledged when Russ asked me to pray for his wife. Absolutely stops me dead in my tracks if I start feeling sorry for myself in my current marital situation. More importantly, I'm reminded that there is so much pain in the world, and that being self-focused causes me to be blinded to others' pains, makes me "anti-social" towards my own community. Opportunity missed to be a blessing to someone else because somehow I think that self-pity brings relief to my own hurts. Well, I know now it doesn't. It just makes me think that I'm supposed to be deserving of things that I've created in my mind, and how dare God not honour these, even though I've been such a "good Christian". I'm discovering more that my pain is made bearable when I'm serving others. I guess the absolute least that I can do is not to cause any more grief in this world. Even better is to be like the Good Samaritan who got off his "ass" to help someone who would not have expected it.