RESTLESS CHILD

I was sitting in my office, working away with Archos going. The song I was listening to, I've heard many times before. I never really pay much attention to it because it wasn't recorded very well (clipping? you gotta be kidding me!) and I'm not too fond of the arrangement. Anways, I wrote this song back in the summer of 1993 and it dawned on me how accurately it reflects what happening right now, including the reference to the month. Kind of prophetic. Or perhaps it means that I'm going through the same thing, just a decade later...
[Restless Child playing on Archos] (click to listen)
i can feel the tears again, should i give in to their cries,
at times i just pretend that everything's gonna be alright
but the pieces of my heart fall apart one more time
loneliness just won't depart, no matter how hard i try

and it starts to rain again, on this cold november day
yet the warmth of sheltered hope won't even sooth the pain
what am i supposed to do, for strength to carry through
i've searched through my life but i've lost the truth

have patience with me now
for i am just a restless child
there's so much that i lack
help me up this narrow path
so i can fly away free

i'm so sick of playing games just to satisfy my heart
my dreams of this world are slowly tearing me apart
gotta learn to love the way i was wonderfully made
gotta let my old self go and follow christ's perfect way

and time goes slowly by as i learn with each new try
every time i fall you're right here by my side
in your strength alone, i'll find my way home
this lost child finally finds he's not alone

A BEAUTIFUL MIND

Sometimes the most beautiful things appears out of nowhere, especially when least expected. During church service, right after worship, they always invite the kids to join a children's program outside of the auditorium. Today was no different. One by one, I watched as kids made their way to the auditorium's exit. One of the last kids was a little boy carrying with him a Bible that was just a little too big for him. For some odd reason, this really moved me. There was something very innocent about that scene. In this day and age of pluralism and tolerance, most adults wouldn't be caught dead carrying a Bible out in public, unless they were going to a place where everyone else was expected carrying one. But because this church is embedded in a very public place (can't get more public than a large shopping mall), people are tend to be more conscientious about it. So, this sight of a kid, carrying his oversized Bible out of the auditorium was truly a beautiful sight!
[Isn't It Love playing on Archos]
I was very sad leaving service today. Obviously I wasn't expecting to be, and attending service at The Meeting House for the past little while has been rather uplifting. I'm certain the speaker would not have intended the content of his materials to cause such a reaction, because it is typically a benign topic. So, he introduced the fact that all humans were created with specific impulses/tendencies. Last week, we examined the impulses of affinity (the natural tendency to want to get to know God) and infinity (the natural tendency to know that we are infinite beings, with death being the only hurdle that prevents us from achieving that state). Today, he touched on the affinity of intimacy, specifically sex (the tendency to want to be in more than just a master-servant relationship with God, but in one that is much closer). It's not too hard to see how sexual bonding and the process of orgasm is a reflection and fulfillment of the type of relationship that God wants with us and has created. Yet, today, it really hit me hard just because I felt like those words were like salt being poured into a wound that I felt was healing. For some time now, I've been resigned to the fact that I've been selected to be excluded from this experience. I have been thinking that the longings that I have in my heart (that I subjugated to a set of attributes that also make me passionate for serving my global community) is just a potential stumbling block that would stay with me for the rest of my life that I could overcome, like the thorn that Paul was talking about. I even agreed with a quote from C.S. Lewis that flashed on the screen today prior to the message, saying that the longings that we feel are just an index of our current situation. I agree that the intensity of these longings that I feel right now may have been amplified by the fact that I'm not in a situation where these longings could be fulfilled. But to hear the message say to me that God deliberately created this impulse in us with the purpose of having it fulfilled really rocked me. Why can't my worship and service to Him just be enough? Why did this 3rd impulse have to be part of His divine architecture as opposed to just a creative and enjoyable way of populating the earth? If that's the case, I feel so excluded, yet I was okay with that, ready to live out the rest of life with that want buried. Consider it my ultimate sacrifice to God - what would cost more than my deepest desires? It just felt like God wanted to unbury this and have this issue revisited. I have no answers, just more grief.
[God Is Not A Secret playing on Archos]

WELCOME TO MY LIFE

I have noticed on some people’s blogs that they will post lyrics from a song. While I don’t really think that it’s a complete cop out to use someone else’s ideas/inspirations in the absence of one’s own to fill blog space, it would be nice to see why they’ve posted the lyrics. Aside from just the fact that the words rhyme nicely. So, I think that I will post lyrics from time to time, along with commentary as to why I feel the lyrics are meaningful to me. As well, I will post the song in its entirety. This, at the very least, will give credit to the composers by not dissecting/butchering their original meaning.

When I first heard this song, it was the lyrics that stuck out the most. Absolutely, the music was catchy, albeit simple (typical 3 chord foundation with the odd cousin chord thrown in once in a while). Much to my surprise, I happen to notice that this song is one of the most requested this week. Apparently, the lyrics have also touched a lot of people who feel that they can relate.

SIMPLE PLAN: WELCOME TO MY LIFE
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong and no one understands you [almost every day]
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room with the radio on turned up so loud so that no one hears you screaming [in a way, I feel like I have run away, because living with my parents, I feel more like a temporary boarder than ‘at home’; music is constantly playing but at fairly reasonable levels; my parents are good – they don’t disturb me much except to tell me that there’s food in the kitchen; I honestly don’t think that there needs to be loud music present to hide the fact that I’m screaming]

[He playing on Archos]
no you don't know what its like when nothing feels alright
no you don't know what its like to be like me to be hurt to [many times I do feel like the pain that I’m going through is unique and that there’s no possible way that anyone else on this Earth can EVER understand what I’m going through]
to feel lost to be left out in the dark
to be kicked when you're down [I think I do most of the kicking, and I’m pretty good at it, especially when feelings of rejection and self-devaluation start cascading unfettered]
you feel like you've been pushed around to be
on the edge of breaking down and no one's there
to save you no you don't know what its like
welcome to my life [this really is just a rhetoric greeting, because I don’t really expect anyone to be remotely interested in getting involved – it’s messy, it’s confusing, and most people have their own challenges to deal with]

[Let It Flow playing on Archos]
Do you wanna be somebody else?
are you sick of feeling so left out? [all my life; and maybe this is something that is instinctual in everyone, I’ve always tried to fit in, socially, intellectually, spiritually; ironically, I don’t think that I’m any closer to normal conformity now than when I was really struggling with this in yesteryears]
are you desperate to find something more before your life is over? [for me, it’s more than just finding any ‘something’, but as more of my passionate purpose is revealed to me, it’s more about finding the path that leads me there]
Are you stuck inside a world you hate? [currently reading a book about The Taliban; not really sure why I picked it up; with recent media popularity of covering all things Middle Eastern and fundamentally Islam, I guess I wanted to find out more about this ‘declared’ enemy of my supposed lifestyle of freedom; as I read about the atrocities that the Taliban performed in the name of religious principles and purity, I grow less fond of this world and what we as human have done to it and to each other; the more I hear about all of the suffering in the world that is preventable, coupled with the suffering I face in my life everyday (again, preventable), I grow discouraged with trying to root myself here; hate is a strong word which promotes this decaying global society and I would like to help out those that are victimized; this seems paradoxical, to want to help a world that I don’t want to be part of; perhaps any small contribution I can offer may help to delay/counter the obvious destruction that this world is quickly disintegrating to; maybe…]
Are you sick of everyone around? with the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside your bleeding [kind of describes the way I feel about church right now]

[Trading My Sorrows playing on Archos]
no you don't know what its like when nothing feels alright
no you don't know what its like me to be hurt to
to feel lost to be left out in the dark
to be kicked when you're down
you feel like you've been pushed around to be
on the edge of breaking down and no one's there
to save you no you don't know what its like
welcome to my life [from a musical point of view, I think that the chorus is quite catchy!]

no one ever lied straight to your face
and no one ever stabbed you in the back [sometimes I think I’m quite clueless to these things, or maybe I just give people the benefit of the doubt]
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be ok [I guess this is where I start to disagree with the ideas of the song; I KNOW that things are gonna be ok]
everybody always gave you what you wanted
never had to work it was always there [a very accurate commentary about this North American consumeristic/materialistic society; when we don’t get what we want we complain about it and we jealously criticize those that we feel have more; yet, when we have, our sense of balance get restored and blinds us to those who are obviously in need]

[A Little More playing on Archos]
you don't know what its like, what its like
to be hurt to feel lost to be left out in the dark
to be kicked when your down you feel like you've been pushed around
to be on the edge of breaking down and no one's there to save you
no you don't know what its like

to be hurt to be lost to be left out in the dark
to be kicked when you're down you feel like you've been pushed around
to be on the edge of breaking down and no one's there to save you
no you don't know what its like welcome to my life.

welcome to my life. welcome to my life

This song's popularity may be a reflection of the amount of pain that is happening, even in an affluent and wealthy society where we can afford the luxuries of a popular music subculture.

I think that the conveying of how one feels is heightened when it is woven into music and song. Likewise, I think that someone listening to music receives the embedded message intravenously. I remember many times of getting that spiritual “high” when an experience is capped off by a powerful and moving song. I think it’s inherent to human nature, and for me in particular. Music has been a faithful companion for most of my life. Always the willing and intent ear for my joys and sorrows, and always knowing exactly the right “words” to say back to me in any given situation. I remember many times, while growing up, that I would get frustrated for being able to hear in mind music polyphonically, but where I could only hum monophonically. I think that’s why I was so drawn to being able to the technology that would allow me to sequence music with different instrumental parts because, finally, there was an outlet whose output closely matched what was going on in my head.
[ironically, The Happy Song playing on Archos]

DENYING HIMSELF

This command is so counter-evolutionary. By nature (or by the fact that you’ve made it to read this entry), we are instinctually self-preserving. I’m not even referring to the inherent selfish behaviour that I see exhibited by even the most noblest of people, but the desire that most people have to want to propagate their lineage. I’m talking about single human beings getting together so as to get to know each other so as to mate so as to have more single humans, and so as starting this cycle all over again. Whether one likes it or not, they are part of this natural circle of life. So, to deliberately pull oneself out of the cycle would be to intentionally end longevity, perhaps a form of suicide. The natural instincts that we bear actually make it pretty hard to commit suicide (too much CSI). I guess there are some built-in fear fail safes (fear of heights, fear of loud noises, fear of pain) that kick in when we try.
[Min vs. GB on TV]
I was thinking that if I can focus on the part of desire that allows me to serve my fellow mankind to the point of denying the other part of desire that wants to propagate lineage, am I not in fact committing a form of suicide? Well, at the very least denying myself companionship (because one cannot assume that just because two single humans get together that the end result is propagation). Is companionship important? Look around. Either way, it is a self denial of sorts, even if it’s not as extreme as denial of life itself.
[also, Sask vs. BC on TV]
Anyways, this is just a passing thought, not a huge revelation. What is a revelation (if my revelations could ever approach the definition of divinely-inspired; more of a really strong instinctual feeling), however, is that God will not open any doors for service UNTIL things in my current crisis are resolved. I was walking to my condo yesterday, just to pick up the mail, and a thought dawned on me. If I was overseas right now, working in a developing country, it would not bode me to well to have people know that I owned harbourfront property ‘back home’. Or have a Japanese luxury car. Or have some of the other comforts of life that our North American materialistic, ever consuming society has established as the norm. In that situation, my default setting would still be higher (at least from a materialistic point of view) than those that I am trying to serve. I think that it would be a more powerful and efffective witness (and less of a stumbling block) that my default situation is the same or less than those that I serve. Makes sense, doesn’t it?

CAPACITY DISPOSITION

I have discovered that it doesn’t take much to get me to start feeling sorry for myself. It’s not that I’m constantly looking to host a pity party for one, but feeling sorry for myself can sometimes be easily triggered and display itself in different forms. It is best described as a deep sense of longing, like something important is revealed to everyone, but is passing me by. It’s not hard for me to rationalize that thought, as I look at couples around me and how they “look “ at each other, with a genuine sense of care and love. Of course, this always seems to cascade into “where did I go wrong?” or “seems like such an easy, natural process – but not for me” The more I think about it, the more I yearn for it, the more it hurts.
[Days Of Elijah playing on Archos]
It’s not really a new revelation, and I think that I’ve journalled about it before. For some reason, though, sharing about this thought with Simon over an Indian buffet lunch seemed to reveal a new clarity to an old subject. We were talking about passions, and I shared with him my growing passion to want to help people, full time. He shared about his passion (to sing) and that this was, what he perceived, to be the most appropriate channel he can serve God optimally (as opposed to overseas work, preaching, etc.) He mentioned that if this was NOT God’s calling for him, God should then take that desire away, as it would prove to be to much of a torment as desired unfulfilled. I also shared with him another passion of mine. That it, the deep desire to share my love and life with a wife and to build a family. I told him how much it pains me to realize that this is not something that I can behold at the moment. He seemed to understand, and said that he would pray for me. Thinking back now, I should have asked him what he was going to pray for. That God take this desire away from me?
[God So Loved playing on Archos]
It then struck me (perhaps again) that this is all part of a package given to me to steward. Perhaps the desire/ability to want to love/serve others is part of an attribute set that also makes me passionately yearn for some of the things I just mentioned. So, it is then not possible to severe one away without reducing the other. It felt so ‘rehearsed’ when I shared this with Simon, but it was quite an interesting (re)revelation to me. Perhaps the prayer is not that God remove any ‘undesired’ desires away, but that the focus is on the part of the desire that will further His Kingdom.

CONFLICT OF INTEREST

This phrase brings fear to many corporations now a days. Those that are more anxious than others (like the company that I currently work for) will undertake many steps to map our processes and segregate related tasks that may be seen as 'inappropriate' from an auditor's point of view. With so many companies that have been fined, it's now a financial liability NOT to take these pre-cautionary steps. The goal is to prove the integral worth of a business - that, at the end of the day, its successes are validated as being achieved legitimately. Kind of like a purity test.
[Worlds Apart playing on Archos]
Is it possible that whenever one goes through a crisis and cries out to God for relief, and He responds as if giving in to our cries, that this could be seen as a CONFLICT OF INTEREST? Like a parent giving in to the screaming tantrum by their child for a toy; just who is controlling who? How can one claim the value God's gift of free will if in the moment of intense begging, He swoops down and rescues us? Not that anyone should have to suffer a trial until death, but that we should truly endure the crisis until "fruition". And the result at the end? True/pure character development. Wouldn't it be a valid argument to say that if the full experience was shortened, it would almost be the same as being robbed of the full potential of the character development exercise. I'm not being masochistic, although one might describe my 'addiction' to running and the general wearing down of my body through physical activity as fitting to the definition. But I'm almost seeing that there is no point in me grieving every day over the situation that I find myself in. Yes, the feelings of rejection, abandonment and loneliness continue to plaque me quite intensely. But I don't think that premature relief is truly what's good for me in the long run. I hold firm to the belief that God will provide sufficient grace (not a single ounce more) and that He won't allow us to endure more than we can bear. Part of the problem is that my definition of what I can endure is probably less than what I really CAN because of the relatively comfortable life that I've lived.
[The Vally Song playing on Archos]
And how much of what I'm grieving is a direct result of the life that I have lived so far? I'm grateful that my parents worked so hard to create a safe and secure environment for me to grow up in. Yet, I think that one of the bi-products is an expectation for a continued life of comfort and stability. Things are NOT supposed to go awry. So, when something does, I first react by thinking how unjust/abnormal it is I am for finding myself here. What if I grew up in the same environment as either of my parents? Perhaps my tolerance for loneliness would be more endurable because that is what I would have been used to. It's hard to de-program myself because everything has been hard wired. It makes it even harder when many things around me suggest that the 'hard wired protocol' is not wrong, but instead is part of the norm that should have happened.
[I Have Been There playing on Archos]
When friends around me are continuously getting married, having babies, serving in Church, making crass remarks about the gift of 'singleness'... I realize that these are not bad things to yearn/strive for. And as hard as I try, it pains me that I am on the outside looking in, not able to hold any of these things even for a mere moment. It kills me to think that my dad was my age when I was born. But this has been my journey so far. I am learning more about how a life and world with the realities about myself might unfold.
[Shout To The Lord - original - playing on Archos]