BROKEN HEARTED

I think humans are good at making up things to be worried about. Maybe it's some instinctual act to preserve one's sense of usefulness or it is a motivation to live by finding a cause for which you can fret (often needlessly) over. Having completed a list of health questions, my doctor was just about to wrap up the physical check up when she glanced over the ECG readout. Something caused her to pause. It seemed that my heart was not beating the way that a normal heart (or one belonging to someone my age) was supposed to beat. She's aware of my training for the triathlon and that may be the cause. Regardless, she suggested that I should speak to a cardiologist, but did not have much confidence in herself being able to arrange for me to see one at a nearby Mississauga hospital, just to interpret this odd blip. Instead, she photocopied the readout and gave it to me, giving me the impression that I should try to find a cardiologist to read this myself. I thought nothing of it until I got a call from her the next day, inquiring about whether or not I was successful in locating a cardiologist. This made me a little worried because doctors don't usually follow up with their patients unless it's bad news. Luckily, I had the readout with me at work and my pharmacist friend, D., just happened to be spending time in the cardiology department this week. So, I faxed over the readout, hoping that maybe she might bump into someone who could look at it. Well, she got back to me and said that it is important to get an ECHO done (an ultrasound of the heart), because it looks like it might be hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. Or it could be nothing. Of course, I was quick to jump on the net to see was HC was. It was an interesting exercise but it ended up adding fuel to my own worry. There is no cure for it but one could live out the rest of life without suffering any complications from it. So, with the help of D., I was able to schedule an ECHO right away. It'll be about a week before I know the results.

My initial reaction was disbelief. As if I didn't have enough things to contend with right now, I now also have to worry about my heart?! Ironically, this condition may have been brought on by my desire to live an ultra healthy lifestyle. We sang the song "Lord I Give You My Heart" at a worship service this past weekend, and all of a sudden, the words of this familiar song took on a new meaning. I guess this truly is a test of the words that I have mouthed so many times. Do I really mean it?

Mind you, sitting (or more like lying) through an ultrasound is quite an amazing experience, probably an experience that many expecting mothers go through. To actually see the heart beat, to hear the gush of blood flowing through the respective arteries, is quite amazing. So, in a spirit of awe and humility, I await the results.

INTERESTING THINGS I HEAR PEOPLE SAY

I recently went to see my doctor for my 'annual' physical, though the term is misleading because the last one was back in 2002. So, I had to fast the night before, pushing the 12 hour fast window pretty tight, as I finished the last bite of Ed's homemade ice cream with just minutes to spare! I've decided that there are some things that one should not hear while in a doctor's office. Some blood was drawn for testing and this was done by the receptionist who looked no more than 18. I usually look away because I don't feel the need to have to see an object piercing my skin. What's usually a quick prick turned out to be about 30 seconds of painful irritation. She said: "Your vein is moving! I can't seem to get it in." After drawing 4 vials of blood and closing off my gaping wound with a tiny piece of cotton and a band aid, she said: "Take off your clothes!" What. Oh, just the top. She was going to do an ECG on me. So, I'm lying on the patient bed, thinking to myself that this is some summer job gig she's got doing all these things (or maybe my doctor's cheaping out) - perhaps she's an aspiring med school student. Meanwhile, she is sticking these sensors all over my body. Finally, she says: "Don't move, don't talk!" Mmm. Haven't said a word to her yet; what makes her think that I'm in the mood for conversation now? My arm is numb, I'm half naked and I've got all these things connected to me...

There is nothing like breaking 12 hours of fasting with an extra large bowl of Pho!!

I had a great conversation with L., whom I met through the Habitat Toronto committee that I volunteer with. She's heading to South Africa at the end of August to take on a 3 week house-sitting gig! She's stumbled upon that on the Internet and decided to just go! She was in S.A. last year doing a Habitat Global Village build and has established some connections there. I guess she feels that her heart is there and saw this as an opportunity to go. She actually booked her plane ticket to come back 3 weeks after her sitting gig, so there is 3 weeks of who-knows-what. She is hoping to hook up with the Habitat affiliate there and see if she can volunteer on a build. What a smart idea! This way, she doesn't have to pay the enormous Habitat fee that comes with joining a Global Village build. She was sharing with me some of her previous trials and how she overcame them. Her joy definitely is now rooted in serving others.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

God's will for us is to choose.

God's desire for us is to reach our potential.

WEARY WANDERER

I have realized how important it is to focus on some of the good things that are happening around me. If not for the sake of keeping myself from falling into depression, at least for when I look back, I will see that even during the toughest of times, there were aid stations around me. All I had to do was open my eyes and reach out...

It's been a while since I've left the movie theatres feeling satisfied, despite having only paid $4.25 for an afternoon matinee. Choosing the less expensive time means that I usually have to watch the movie with snotty kids and other people for whom movie etiquette does not exist. But, despite sitting beside this one kid who kept ruffling a plastic bag to get at his smuggled-in, "non-theatre" popcorn THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE!!, I still really enjoyed Batman Begins. It did an excellent job of filling in the prequel gaps without being bored in details. This was very entertaining and for once, the character of Bruce Wayne seemed very believable.

I purchased a pair of steel-toed work boots and a tool belt, both of which I got to christen at a recent, local Habitat Blitz Build. I will certainly be using this equipment in New Zealand and any other builds that I join (this is me justifying the purchase!).

All the details of the condo sale are finally closed. All financial details have been settled with all parties involved and the paperwork is complete. I don't find myself missing it at all - just finding it annoyting that I now have to pay to park downtow. But that's not a bad thing; I'm being more thoughtful about taking the subway downtown.

I had a phone interview with the hiring manager at EPCOR's trading desk in Calgary. It was a pretty good interview, as I wasn't nervous and the responses came quickly, delivered with modest confidence. Even the response to their trick question ("How many hockey sticks were manufactured last year?") came pretty quickly. I'm supposed to hear back from him in a week's time. I'm still unsettled about this because if an offer comes through, there are still many factors that may impact this decision: obligations in Ontario (triathlon, T&C's wedding), trip to New Zealand in July, the logistics of relocating (will EPCOR assist in moving, helping to find a place), the economics of timing (I'm still being compensated at the current rate for the next quarter, this position is likely in a lower band), other postings have come out, etc. So, despite this preliminary development, I feel that I am still far from feeling settled vocationally. I have also submitted applications to UNDP and Oxfam but haven't heard anything yet. I had lunch with a colleague and he encouraged me to not get embroiled in uncertainty. Rather, enjoy the time that is granted now and rest easy in the fact that things will be okay for the future, taking this early progress (i.e. getting an interview on my first application) as a good sign.

My community has been so supportive of my current commuting stress. I was connected with a mutual friend who recently had a fall out with a house mate. He owns a condo in the exact area that I've been keeping my eyes on. And he's literally giving away this rental just so he can find a tenant who is not flakey. I've been in touch with him and we are trying to arrange a time to get together. Another friend of mine just bought a house also in the same area. He has a vision of having a place where he can provide lodging for returning/visiting missionaries! He knows of my situation and has offered me tenancy as well! Wow! Praise God! Of course, or should I say once again, the celebration is watered down by the fact that I don't know how long I'll be in Toronto. If I'm only going to be here for a month, it might not be a good idea to move. Even 3 months would be questionable. Well, there is some relief. My friends J&C are going on a week long cruise this week and have asked me to housesit their condo. This place is close to work and right on the subway line.

So, it's boiled down to numbers between Katherine and I. I was a little surprised by how upset she became when I shared with her that I was looking at relocating out of province. She feels that if we are to "work on this", I should not be making plans for my future that don't include her. As she is still working on her counselling certification (which could take another 2 years or so, depending if she continues working full time), it is inconceivable that she would move to Calgary. Again, she indicated what a big step of progress it was for her to get to this point where she is willing to commit to this relationship. Again, I mentioned that her definition of "making it work" includes the possibility that it may not work out or that she may never arrive at the point where she is fully committed to this (i.e. where the hallmarks of a God-honoring marriage are present). She said that she is at about 80% committment and that all it would take to get her to 100% is 100% of my effort. Frankly, I told her, I feel like I'm at 0% effort right now. I have no desire for her and based on what I've seen so far, she hasn't changed at all, even from before we were married. It makes it very hard for me to want to give any effort when her behaviour is still the same as before, which I view is the leading cause for why the breakdown occured in the first place. I'm certain that even if she was at 100% committment, I would still have many issues to deal with: her self-centeredness, her family issues, my family issues with her. I envision a relationship where 2 people just happen to be committed to each other only from a time perspective (i.e. 2 people doing activities at the same time) and nothing else. Frankly, that scares me, because I think that I would feel even lonelier that I do now. I can see how my involvement with community now (where I do find solace and support in fellowship and service) would be stripped away because of time demands by her. I guess at one point, I let it slip out that feel strongly that I didn't choose to be in this situation. I shouldn't have been surprised by her response, but she snapped back that she didn't choose this either: that I knew before the wedding that she wasn't ready to commit and that basically she was forced into it. I don't have the emotional energy to be shocked by that statement right now.

I'm noticing a recurring theme. Things are getting resolved ONE THING AT A SNAIL'S-PACE TIME. And each situation is multi-faceted, such that it takes 2 or 3 things to fall in place before I can feel that it is resolved. I found myself wondering if I forced things to be resolved all at once and right away, would I really be at peace with the 'peace' that I had orchestrated? Maybe there would be some regret/remorse for having forced the timelines. Would it feel artificial? Or is it better that things are resolved in God's time? My past few posts have been long ones, despite my best efforts to pare them down. It's a reflection of just how many things are happening and how much thought I've been giving to each. I really just yearn for a more simple life.

PREVIEWS TO POS

Sometimes I find myself thinking of different marketing ideas which I blame entirely on my B-school background. I was very impressed by the technology found in, of all places, a Christian bookstore I recently visited to pick up some CD's. Mind you, I haven’t been to HMV or any large music retailer in a while so I can’t assume that this is leading edge. You can take the CD’s that you’re interested in to this computer that is set up with a bar code scanner. Once you scan the UPC, up pops the item and you can preview each song on the album (a 20 second clip) on a set of headphones. Afterwards, I thought of an interesting marketing idea:

Have people set up an account with the store to receive a special card or access credentials that allow them to log into their own listening station. Each listening station will be connected to the internet, so the user can look up reviews and discussions about the album that they are previewing to help their purchase decision. The system will track what songs are previewed and correlates this data with the Point of Sale information, matching titles previewed and titles purchased. Thus, a unique customer profile can be created based on purchase behavior. This profile can drive direct marketing custom tailored for this consumer, sending it to the other information found in the account (e.g. new releases, discounts, bundles, etc. to the customer's mailing address, email address, text message, etc.)

PROPS TO BOBBY MACK!

I caught Bobby McFerrin at Roy Thompson Hall. I have to admit that this was probably the most unique concert experience that I’ve had. It’s NOT your typical jazz concert: all that’s on stage is a chair and a bottle of water. The only piece of sound equipment he used was a wireless handheld mic. I’m just blown away by how a simple set up can leave such a deep impression on me. I think it goes to show just how talented this 4-octave-range, 10-time Grammy award-winner, improvisational son of 2 opera singers really is:

- The first piece was completely improvised as he later shared in his Q&A session; he makes it a point to start off each concert with a completely improvised piece as he feels that if he can get past the most challenging part, the rest of the performance is a cakewalk; it was a calm piece that captured the audience’s attention by displaying his amazing range and ability to sing bass and soprano seamlessly in one phrase
- There was one song that reminded me of a Tibetan piece where he had the audience hum a single note throughout and he descanted above it, making his voice sound like a pan flute
- At one point, he split the audience into two halves, assigning each half with its own 2 note musical phrase (and he did this without using words to explain what to do!); he did a catchy jazzy piece and we were literally competing against the other half as he conducted us when to sing our assigned part
- THE MAN HAS A POLYPHONIC VOICE! He shared the secret afterwards (he would hum one note and buzz his lips to create the other) but when you first hear it, you literally jump out of your seat screaming expletives in disbelief!
- He got the audience singing a bass line for him, conducting us by jumping to various spots on the stage (ala Tom Hanks in Big) and singing an entire piece over us
- He did a Bach’s Prelude No 1, making his voice sound like an organ while he had the audience "lah-ing"Ave Maria on top – literally brought tears to my eyes
- He did a whole session of improvised dancing after asking for audience participation. More than 70 people were on stage and they weren’t only just kids. It was amazing seeing grown men contort their bodies (because I couldn’t really call what they were doing dancing) in time and tempo to what Bobby was doing – all improvised
- He did Blackbird all by himself (including bird tweets)!
- He did a very entertaining, abridged version of the wizard of Oz (singing all the parts)
- The encore was a Q&A session where he sat at the front of the stage taking questions from the audience (which turned out mainly to be requests for “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”); unusual because most encores that I’ve been through have the headliner doing another song, although he did do an African beats thing when the lady asked him why he doesn’t incorporate that type of music into his set; he also started into “Thinking About Your Body” but classily cut it short, saying that there were too many young people in the audience!
- There was no intermission
- I discovered that this concert was part of the “Share The Music” series, where they arranged for corporate sponsors to purchase 150 tickets to distribute to less fortunate kids to attend this concert; these kids who got to attend a pre-concert workshop with Bobby and were treated to a BBQ dinner before the show
- When asked what inspired him, he mentioned the Psalms; especially how it is a song book and it’s found right in the middle of the Bible, kind of like it’s heart pulse

TOO MUCH TO BLOG ABOUT

Never in my life have I felt so unsettled before. So many things are happening in my life, but nothing seems to be resolved. I wonder if I have brought this on myself for not being more assertive and decisive. Yet, it seems like some of these things are beyond my control or contrary to the person that I see myself as. If I were a “bad-der” person, would I perhaps not find myself in such a state of confusion? It seems like I’m living through a twisted hell: I’ve been very blessed materially, I am surrounded by many meaningful relationships, and I have experienced successes in my academic and professional careers. Yet, I am wading through an indescribable grief, one that I am desperately pleading relief from. Is all this suffering necessary or even required? I fear that when I meet God face to face, I will ask Him whether or not my suffering had helped to further His Kingdom or was a blessing to others. And He would say that my suffering was not meaningful, that it was merely a consequence of my choice to stick with it all because I didn’t choose to alter things that were within my control. I can’t even begin to imagine the disappointment of realizing that I was not a good steward of the life loaned to me.

WORK
Well, it’s official. I have been told in a letter printed on official company letterhead that, “as a result of the recent corporate reorganization”, my position is no longer required. The official date of termination is September 30, 2005. Now that I know the exact date, there is a certain sense of closure, as I was struggling with uncertainty last week. But this relief is short lived because now there are other things to consider. EPCOR was very generous with its “termination and retention” efforts, proposing 40% of my annual salary as a severance package. But I would only receive this if I stayed until the termination date. Basically, I can’t really start job hunting until closer to the termination date if I want to realize the package. I’m supposed to meet with the Sr. V.P. again some time this week. I suspect that it is in follow up to the conversation that we had about a week and a half ago, that perhaps he was able to make contact with someone at the Calgary office. But it also means that I may have to contemplate a move before the termination date and in doing so, forfeit the severance package. Of course, this package should only be seen as a safety net should both EPCOR and I fail in our attempts to find redeployment before September 30. I know that most of my colleagues are trying to optimize the situation by timing the start of a new job RIGHT after the termination date. There are obviously complicated economics involved in any decision that I make from now until September 30, which CAN be stressful if I choose to make it so. Actually, I’m more leery of starting a job soon and then having to take 2.5 weeks off to go to New Zealand. And if I’m out west, I’d have to fly back for the triathlon. And then for Tammy and Clinton’s wedding (Clinton asked me to be his groomsman). Yikes!

HOUSING
Because of the developments at work, the whole search process for a place of my own will have to change. I cannot sign a year long lease (which is what most landlords demand) knowing that I will only be in the EPCOR Toronto office until, at the very latest, September 30. At the same time, I am yearning SO MUCH to eliminate this crazy daily commute. Now that it’s summer time, I have to fight stop-and-go congestion (which I combat by starting my daily commute before 6 a.m.) AND lane-eliminating road construction (which happens after 10 p.m.) There are times where I almost don’t care about the cost considerations. But, the practical side of me is still a strong enough presence to keep me from doing anything rash. What to do?!

HARBOURFRONT CONDO
Although this has closed, I’m still not feeling that this has been resolved, as there are still outstanding financial details to take care of. Until these are settled, it will still be open in my mind. Because I know that Katherine’s parents have a heavy hand of influence on her with how the financials are viewed, I suspect it may be a drawn out process, as most other things have been. I have spent the better part of last week compiling all financial details of the past 4 years to determine how the financial details should be sorted. I know from past experiences that the way her family views financial details is often skewed towards ensuring that Katherine benefits most. As such, I know that there could be a lengthy “battle” that could result.

KATHERINE
I had a lengthy chat with Katherine at Toogood Pond in Unionville. Ironically, this is the place where we had taken our wedding photos, so there were some mixed sentiments as I passed by a few of the “shoot locations”. We discussed the financials (where I presented the summation of my work from the past week) and the next steps in our relationship. She still seems bent on “making this work”. I continued to press her for what that meant, citing my skepticism that this was just a ploy to restore things to the way there were, so as to avoid having to deal with the consequences of divorce and/or facing the prospect of being alone. I’m not sure if it was heat-induced dehydration or something else, but her response this time seemed more mature and thought out. She returned back to comparing herself to Abraham, being in a position where she is being asked to do something so incredibly unreasonable/unthinkable. Yet, it was by faith that Abraham proceeded to go and sacrifice his only son Isaac, but not without his own documented doubts (he figured that God would raise Isaac from the dead). I’m not sure if deciding to keep an illegitimate marriage should be such a heart-wrenching decision to make. Yet, she claims that she feels this is the “right thing to do”, hoping that by her stepping out in faith, God will somehow honour that by intervening, as He did when a ram appeared from nowhere to substitute for Isaac. She then proceeded to take out our wedding bands, giving me mine back as a token of her commitment to trying. I was quite taken back when I saw that ring because I haven't seen it in a while. At first, I thought she wanted me to wear it, which I was immediately resistant to: this would only serve to perpetuate this “play married" thing that we’ve been doing quite well over the past 4 years, half of which I didn’t wear a band anyways. I think she noticed my opposition and said that this gesture was to show that she is serious about taking the next step in faith, whatever the results may be. I examined my feelings and realized that there is only one thing that would make me take back my band. I was reminded of the covenant that I made with God on June 30, 2001 and still hold dear to it. At this point, I can honestly say that there is nothing that attracts me to Katherine. I’m not sure if it’s a result of the emotional baggage that I’ve had to carry for 4 years or if we’ve both grown apart. Well, once again, let’s wait and see…

HOMELESSNESS
It is a sad irony that I will be traveling to New Zealand in a few more weeks to help a family escape from homelessness. Homelessness can be defined in many different ways and it is different from typical “shelterless-ness”, which we often associate with the more visible squeegee kids/panhandlers. Homelessness can also refer to people who are living in overcrowded, substandard housing or those that are living in broken relationships when there is nowhere else to go. In many ways, I feel that I am “homeless”. “Home” should be a place where I feel I belong: a physical place where I can store my worldly belongings without feeling like it’s in people’s way, a place where I can just kick back my feet without disturbance, a place where you can settle and not feel that you need to get ready to move from at any moment.

SOME OF THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE:
- chilling with Ryan and Nicholas, 2 very adorable twin boys who don't speak a word of English, but communicate at a level that is highly advanced
- meeting Ella for the first time
- pong with Clinton for the very last time in the condo, unless we meet someone else that lives at 33 Harbour Square
- quadruple C (24 oz. Colossal Colon Clogger Combo) PLUS a Fudgie Overdose at DD's with Simon and Elliot; essentially risked setting my triathlon training back by a few weeks!
- blooming onion PLUS prime rib at Outback with Clinton (after an afternoon of badminton)
- discovering a new outdoor tennis court that is free AND less than 10 minutes away from work; with Kevin
- actually cooking something for the first time and having it turn out half okay (or at the very least being with a small group that is very polite)
- seeing Anna "kick" the final last 100 metres of RunTO, kicking her way to a 80th percentile finish!!

I was very agitated this morning because I didn’t sleep too well the night before, partly due to the heat, partly due to the large caffeinated coffee I had while reading The Walrus before turning in. Aside from feeling gross from a night of sweating and the irritation of not having packed any food with me, I found myself drowning in lethargy that was brought on by the overwhelming sense of life’s hopelessness. I could not comprehend why things are the way they are. I remember very little about the commute (which is a little scary when you think about how you can hurl yourself at over 110 km/h and only be half alert). I got to the swimming pool and wanted to quickly rinse myself before jumping into the pool as I normally do, but all the stalls were occupied. This compounded my irritation, so I decided to just jump into the pool. Before I knew it, I had finished my training distance, gasping for air after a good, frustration-busting work out. I then made a realization: I felt whole a lot better, despite my muscles and lungs burning with pain. As I’ve realized before, the physical pain served as a good distraction from the emotional pain (which was highly exaggerated by the series of events of that morning). I had a similar thought after pounding out 10 km’s in 30+ weather in the afternoon. Thank God for endorphin!!