Genesis 41 speaks of Joseph interpreting dreams for Pharaoh, which eventually leads to his appointment as general manager of Egypt. Two years of being forgotten were immediately erased and his whole life turned around. He was thirty years old. So, 20% of GDP is what is saved for 7 years of rainy days to come. It typical equilibrium fashion, everything came full circle. It is interesting to see how Joseph "played" his brothers. Was this a form of revenge? Why drag it out? Since we know that at the end it was one big happy reunion. Maybe, having read about Joseph's immediate ancestors, it was in his blood.

Psalm 18 is a rather long Psalm and reads a lot like a battle cry. In David's desire to conquer, he calls upon God. I wonder if this was written before a big battle, or if they are reflections after a successful campaign. I guess it would be easier to write something like this in hindsight. Perhaps the more dreary Psalms are those written in anxiety just before a battle. Psalm 19 is very illustrative. Bestowing human characteristics to the heavens, I sense that David was in a good mood to be able to think/compose like this. He talks about tents, bridegrooms and race champions. All unrelated yet all used to describe the rejoicing towards God. Then there is more illustrative descriptions of the Law of the Lord. Imagine being so passionate about a set of rules! He concludes by asking God to keep him from willful sins, and ends with a sort of disclaimer: "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight..."

Interesting how Matthew 7 starts off with a passage about judging others. Why does Jesus talk about not throwing sacred things to dogs and pigs to conclude this passage. Is judging others with a double standard the same as being as foolish in throwing away something valuable? The next passage talks about asking God which resulting in receiving. Again, it ends with what seems an unrelated illustration: do to others what you would have done to you... How is asking God for things in faith the same as loving your neighbor? Jesus' teachings are like short snippets. Kind of like Sesame Street - good for those with short attention spans. It is interesting reading them all together, because you usually only hear about one passage on its own during a sermon. It would have been neat to be in the crowd when He gave His sermon on the mount. Matthew 8 describes what happens after the sermon on the mount. He heals a man with leprosy and commands him to give the priests that gift that Moses commanded. What is that?

I'm sitting here in front of the computer, staring at the Bible that is open. It's not that I don't want to read. It has been hard trying to make this a habit (and obviously, waiting until 11:30 at night when my mind is not at its sharpest is not going to help matters). It snowing like mad outside, and deep down, I'm exciting. Because Vermont is only 2 more weekends from now and I can't wait. Ontario's mountains are probably just mole hills compared to what we're going to. Pun intended.

I just finished reading some other people's blogs. I wonder if people do that a lot. Just sit there are read other people's thoughts. Does someone just log onto blogger.com and randomly choose one of the most recently published blogs, find something interesting, and then bookmark it? I can understand the voyeuristic shelter that just a medium provides for looking into someone's mind. But, in the end, who cares? Are you really getting to know someone by what they pen? Or is the world so lonely that the only connection that we find at those of imprints left by someone else, not really for the purpose of making a connection?

That's kind of how my life is right now. It's like an imprint because it is so surreal, hollowed out, like a shell. I really have no choice but to wake up and live in it and then fall asleep again. Maybe that's why I'm reading the Bible with so much cynicism. I just feel like I've been waiting for something spectacular to happen in the past 2.5 years. More and more I feel like my whole life I've been waiting. Maybe I was able to soothe myself at different stages of my life, be it through naivete or temporary pursuits. Life is so segmented when you are growing up. Screw up your primary years, no problem, you have your high school years. Screw that up, well then you have university. Screw that up, well then you have your work life. Then, all of a sudden, you look back and realize that you've left a trial of failure imprints.

And then reading the Bible doesn't bring comfort (maybe because I'm half-heartedly expecting any). All I see is how God chose people for their destiny. How about the people who got shafted or were not mentioned in the annals of great faithmen. For every inch of significance that the Bible refers to, there must be miles and miles of insignificance; just people living out their shells chasing imprints.

So, I can only hope that there is a sense of accomplishment in finishing this reading initiative. Just like I can only hope that there is some personal sense of worth of doing the things that I do. I say that it is out of my love for God, but know I wonder if I really have that ability. Maybe I'm just a drone with very basic level programming, and that is all that God expects of me.

I am attempting to catch up on a few day's of missed readings. Genesis 34-36 starts with the story of how Jacob's daughter Dinah (bore from Leah, not Jacob's favorite wife) was raped and became the "trophy" for which the defiling party and Jacob were negotiating. Deceitfulness runs strong in this family as Jacob's son Simeon and Levi (wonder if the Levites, the called priests that will later serve in God's temple, are direct descendants of such a violent man), as they slaughter an entire village's population of men while they were recovering from circumcision. Mind you, these people thought that circumcision was probably a small price to pay for the prospect of new "wealth" and women. Nevertheless, the vengeance is rationalized. The entire chapter 36 is devoted to speaking about the descendants of Esau (who was robbed of his birthright, but still managed to be prosperous.

Psalm 15 reads like a good guideline for honest business, hinting that if these "rules" are followed, one is worthy of dwelling in the same place as God, or at the very least not be shaken.

Many times, I have heard people use this passage in Matthew to discourage materialism: "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money". It's also interesting that this verse is located in the same passage that talks about treasures in heaven. I still believe that money is in itself a measurement, by worldly standards, how well you are faring their system. I also believe that money can be used to effect changes that are spiritually motivated. I also believe that not everyone has the talent to control the effects of money. Notice that the next passage is Do Not Worry, which is ironic, because most people fret about money because they are worried about other aspects of life. This is where another famous passage is found: "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well". Despite my inability to reach the perfect righteous standard, it seems that the pursuit is what God is looking for. And He will provide.

Saul's conversion in Act 9 proved to begin the mass conversion of many people, including those not Jewish. Did not know about the story of Dorcas and how she was resurrected.

It doesn't surprise me when I read in Genesis 32-33 that Jacob was not entirely perfect. Although shown as a person who deceives for personal gain, these passages show that even characters in the Bible showed many "human" characteristics. Such as bribing someone of higher power, displaying nicety on the surface but harvesting mistrust underneath. nepetism. Yet Jacob's name became Israel. Was his wrestling with God brought on by the stress that he was feeling because he thought he was going to be slain by his brother who was coming to meet him? Again, the chosen, God's elite, don't always abide by a higher standard of holiness or righteousness. Or at least that's how it's been recorded in the Bible.

Psalm 14 is more of a commentary on mankind as a whole. There is no one that is good in God's eyes. But it goes on to say that God protects the poor and that His plans will always triumph over the evil nature of man. It seems to be a bad time and David write yearningly for God to restore order. That is my prayer today.

Matthew 6 is a contrast to the previous chap[ter. Instead of referring to the old laws and then putting a "modern" spin on it, it seems that Jesus is now providing specific instructions on Christian living, such as giving to the needy and how to pray. Seems like such a simple task to give to the poor, yet I think that this passage is speaking to our innate sense of pride and the desire to be pleasing to others. How does one train not to be proud when doing these noble things? Is it innate or can one modify it? The Lord's prayer given seems very structured and liturgical, just like the laws found in the Old Testament. Look at how different formulas for prayer have developed. I'm certain that there is much commentary on how even the Lord's prayer should be "modernized", just like Jesus attempted to modernize the old laws.

Cool. Acts 8 smacks of teleporation. Now, since this book was written by a physician, I would think that he didn't include this small detail without thinking about it. How does one get taken away by the Holy Spirit and then appear somewhere else? Was he there and saw it, or was it a recounted story? How did he validate its credibility?

Genesis 31 talks about Jacob fleeing his father in law. He feels mistreated, after having toiled for payment for both of his wives. He feels gipped. Yet, God blessed him with wealth. To flee this oppression, he decided to go back to his father Isaac.

Psalm 13 is pretty interesting, in that it is a short Psalm. the first few verses are rhetorical questions to God that I can sympathize with. The last part starts with "...but", meaning to contrast what was presented in the first part of the Psalm.

Matthew 5 continues with Jesus contrasting the "old Law" with what is a reformed outlook to the principles of righteousness.

Psalm 12 opens up with David chastising those who use flattery to find a gainful position. I would be curious to see how much of the meaning of this word has mutated through translation. Thus, one would have to consider the difference between complimenting and flattering, based on motivation. Pretty harsh punishment suggestions by David. Poor lawyers. This psalm is not as depressing as the others and seems to sound like David feels well protected behind God.

Matthew 5:21 starts talking about murder, but not only the act of homicide, but even thinking hurtful thoughts. Interesting that it mentions settling matters quickly before a statement of claims is taken to court. I think that the motivation here is the longer something is dragged out, the less chance there is of relationships being patched up. It is important that worship is distraction free, and it can be quite a distraction if one is mulling over his beef with someone. The passage also goes on to talk about adultery and divorce. I can see how one can look with very narrow focus on these passages and construe an idea. However, the way I read them now is like this: Jesus is saying, recall what the law is (i.e. he reinforces the establishment of law) but is now suggesting to people look further along (i.e. understanding of the spirit of the law). As mentioned by a couple of my spiritual peers, the 10 commandments is a "starting point" or minimum level at which the bar is set. God is calling us to a heightened level of perfection in which the law is a foundation. But, as we mature, we tend to live in a higher stratosphere of righteousness and holiness. Regarding divorce, if I look beyond the words, I see that Jesus is reinforcing the sanctity of marriage. "Anyone who divorces his wife , except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress." He did not say (nor did the original law say) "Thou shalt not divorce your wife". Instead, it is worded such that it acknowledges that divorces do happen. People who read just strictly to the old law would see it as a "get out of marriage free" card, merely by presenting a divorce certificate to his wife, probably to pursue an extra-marital endeavor. Jesus enhanced the meaning of this old law by indicating that just reckless treatment of the holy institution has ramifications to more than just the initiator. As well, Jesus interestingly did not say, "except if his wife commits adultery", rather, he coined the term "marital unfaithfulness", would I read to mean any deviation from the true meaning of what marriage was intended to be. Granted, I assume reading this in the original language may help to clarify some things.

Acts 7 covered the stoning of Stephen. Interesting to see how reciting historical passages can incite so much hate and violence; guess it depends on the delivery! The only thing that stuck out was that Stephen called the Sanhedrin a bunch of "stiff-necked people". Is that the same as calling them "fools", which David condemned in his Psalm today? Mmmmm.

Saturday night service was fine. It was not a coincidence that Rexdale is about to embark on a Missions focus. As I sat down in my usual seat, I noticed an array of colourful flags that lined the wall behind the stage. Flags for Turkey, Kazakhstan and a few other Middle Eastern, Eastern European countries. It was a quick glance and I quickly became disappointed because I was half hoping to see a flag of China. But as I settled down and looked straight ahead, there, hung as the last flag in this colourful line was a bright red flag with four distinct golden star on its upper left hand corner. A humble sign hung above this flag: CHINA! I sat transfixed on this for many moments into the worship service. It was right in front of my eyes all along, and yet I missed it. Interestingly enough, the service went on to talk about the church's focus on the Silk Road. These are the countries that lead from Turkey to Northern China. I assume that it is similar to the "10-40" window that was the buzz word of the 90's. Dinner afterwards was, ironically, with 3 other people that attended short-term mission trips to China on 3 separate occasions. They spoke of primitive plumbing, the dangers of eating uncooked food, and "stalking" incidents, but almost as if it were a novelty. It is a different world there, but not one that I fear. I can say, however, that if there was a time where I felt a passion for this nation, it was tonight.

Today I read from Psalm 11, Matthew 5 and Acts 7. It seems that David when through a lot of grief in order to verbalize what he did in the Psalm. He seemed so certain that God would deliver him from whatever strife he was facing. I picture God sitting on a Holy throne high above in the sky and He examines all of our souls, almost like in Lord Of The Rings when the eye of Sauron was transfixed on the ring bearer. This Psalm doesn't seem to end as optimistically as the other ones. Maybe even David got tired of being optimistic.

How are people to see our good deeds and give praise to God in heaven? I guess whoever was observing our "good deeds" must known that we are doing so because of our love for God, or that somehow we were connected to God (as opposed to being just anyone doing a good deed). It seems also that passage into heaven does depend on a deed: being righteous at a level that surpasses that of the Pharisees. Who are today's Pharisees?

Stephen presents the Coles Notes version of the story from Abraham to Moses.

Perhaps saying that I have a heart for serving on a mission to China is not entirely accurate. I have never had a previous encounter that sparked any sense of yearning for my own people that I frequently see others possess. In fact, there is probably lots of truth in the fact that I am looking for a change, some new route to take since the path I am on now seems only to bring pain and hopelessness. Under the charter of Free Will that has been given to us, am I not entitled to making this choice? Am I hurting anyone or the church by doing this? Certainly, I would make a great poster-child for any church: "Look at Tim, going through what he is going, and still serving the church with dedication". Well, that profession does not offer me any comfort.

A sense of urgency has come upon me. It doesn't feel wrong to me to think that I will not be living past my 55th birthday. I don't know where this thought came from, and it's not because I am suicidal. On the contrary, this thought brings a motivation for living that I have never felt before. It's quite refreshing. I think it came from a harmless, mindless thought about RRSP's, or reflection about Mary Hutchin's recent passing, or perhaps a CMA math problem I was trying to figure out. What is the use of setting aside money (besides the tax sheltering benefits realized now) for the future? Then I thought, well, I don't really have a desire to "retire". I would rather work hard until the day I died. I'm going to turn 30 this year. That means I have 25 years to make an impact. That also means that I have already lived past half my life. And I feel like I have nothing in God's kingdow to show for it. If it's any consolation, Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was 30. By the way, what calendar did they use in Jesus' time? Anyways, I've been living with the mantra "Living Above The Level of Mediocrity" for a couple of years now. That may change to "Kamikazee for Christ". Kinda stresses the urgency.

So I read Genesis 27-28 today. Once again, it seems that God's chosen people are no more righteous than those unchosen. Dysfunctional is probably too strong a word to describe this family. It all started with Isaac's wife Rebekah who favored one of her two twins. Was it looks? Obviously, Esau seemed to be the more assertive and athletic one. Yet, he seemed to have been victimized on more than one occasion - something that he was entitled to was skimmed from him. Yes, I have heard in sermons before that Esau should have known better than to barter a birthright (certainly an asset much more valued then) to satisfy his appetite. None the less, it appears that Jacob gets his schemingness from his mom. As I read on, he flat out lied to his father more than once to get his blessing, going as far as disguising himself and taking advantage of his deteriorating eyesight. Yet, he was the one who got Isaac's blessing. Fine, Jacob went on into hiding and was later tricked himself. But I guess the point is that why have I tried to live my life modelling myself after the "righteous" in the Bible. God's choice is sovereign and is not influenced by our works or motivations.

This whole idea that God has already chosen can then explain quite a bit of my life. The feelings of not belonging have been strong lately. I feel like Esau. I can work my tail off and think that I am entitled to His blessings, but His will has been set. Have I already exchanged a birthright for a meal?

You could call this the beginning. But I've been on this journey for well over 2 years now. In fact, I've recently discovered that this journey may have been a little longer; I just didn't know it. Some times you wander around thinking you are someone or are part of something. Then you realize that it was not as you had thought all along. Regardless if you were tricked or it was just your own self doing the deceiving, the bottom line is that you have walked that path. You can't go back in time and you have to deal with it.

I've tried journalling before but I guess I was trying to write as if to publish. Again, walking that path with a veil of misconception. This attempt will be different. Because I will focus my writing on my thoughts as I read the Bible. Perhaps what I am going through will be best reflected in how I respond to reading God's Word. It is interesting how such an old piece of literature, albeit something that may have gone through many permutations through translation, can be read from so many different angles. I'm rambling, and that's one thing I will avoid with this attempt. Right to the point, how I feel, no fluff.